This I Believe

Maia - Los Angeles, California
Entered on March 6, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
  • Podcasts

    Sign up for our free, weekly podcast of featured essays. You can download recent episodes individually, or subscribe to automatically receive each podcast. Learn more.

  • FAQ

    Frequently asked questions about the This I Believe project, educational opportunities and more...

  • Top Essays USB Drive

    This USB drive contains 100 of the top This I Believe audio broadcasts of the last ten years, plus some favorites from Edward R. Murrow's radio series of the 1950s. It's perfect for personal or classroom use! Click here to learn more.

I believe in believes. I wake up every morning and live another day in the world of my believes. I get out of bed and look in the merrier believing I don’t look thin enough so no one will find me attractive. I walk out side every morning and feel sad because I believe I should be going to a better job and that I’m not successful enough. I get on the freeway and drive along side a better newer car and believe I should have a better newer car because that will mean I’m a better person. I get to work and see my coworker kissing her boyfriend goodbye and believe I should have someone to kiss me goodbye in the morning and that there must be something wrong with me. I get home from work and cook my self dinner, watch some TV and go to bed, and as I’m lying, tired in the dark under the sheets I believe I should be out and about at some great party right now having fun with some great friends. But I’m not, so I believe I have a bad life.

After asking a lot of people who know me, I realize that no one else believes that but me. But I’m the only one that counts. I didn’t even realize I had believes until I started therapy. I just accepted my reality as my reality. What else would it be? Am I not the person I am? I lived my life believing what I was told. The color red in red. If you get good grades in school you’re smart. You should have a boyfriend. Money is something you need. God does exist.

The day I realize I had believes I was 31 years old. It was the day I set my self free. “Wait, this is not really real?” I asked. “Because it feels real to me as you sitting across from me is real?” Slowly and very painfully I learned that I can choose what to believe in. Changing my believes was like moving a wall, impossible. So I started to build another wall next to the old one. Like the one that I’m smart even though I’m very bad in taking tests. And the one that I look very attractive to some people. And the one that I don’t need another person.

Today when I leave my apartment in the morning I take with me in one pocket my old believes and in the other pocket my new believes and the two of them argue all day long.

I think I’m going to need to get a new bag to carry around my new believes. They get bigger and bigger everyday.