This I Believe

Shelby - Falcon Heights, Minnesota
Entered on February 7, 2007
Age Group: Under 18

Fish out of Water

It was once spoken that your fate was written in the stars. You’re born, your destiny and duties are fulfilled, and then you once again return back to that pearly, gleaming castle in the sky. Living in a chaotic blur, where the people run on batteries and the lights never stop shining, made it pretty difficult to see any stars at all, let alone a hopeful future.

The labyrinth of a life that I claimed to have, was not all that it was cracked up to be. I saw an opportunity then missed it. I found someone I was crushing on then got crushed. I strove to leap with two feet, landed on only one, and tried to get up again, only to discover that my foot was now sprained. Where’s the doctor? Gambling in Reno. As I became older, I tried to find out as much as I could about myself. My mind was filled with endless questions. What can I learn from the past? Who do I want to become? How can I get out of going to Aunt Barb’s annual fruitcake and casserole dinner? There were so many things I didn’t understand about my life. Why did I end up in a broken family? Did I deserve it?

The everyday rush that I experienced from those around me made it pretty difficult to become chipper and pleased with myself. I started up a new hobby or got a stylish haircut to feel good about myself. Peaceful mantras played over in my head like broken records to keep the diminished hope alive. I am one with the universe, one with myself. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful! If I can believe it, I can achieve it. Blah, blah, blah! They didn’t always work. Obstacles blocked my way into the “good life” that I so desperately wanted. My face saddened like a basset hound at every sight of the things I wished I had instead of reminiscing on what I already possessed. It was so much like that arcade game. I was the gopher that popped out of the holes and my so-called “friends”, were the ones with the hammer. The crushed me every time I came back up for air. When I die, I want to be missed and remembered, instead of my bones being mistaken for the crispy remnants of a red and white KFC bucket. I so desperately wanted to find myself in that state of mind where I was completely satisfied with the way that everything was going. There was no express train to take me to that dreamland, so how could I get there?

Good and bad decisions reflected my true self and all that I stood for. They followed my every move and determined whether I was more of a Luke or a Vader. The Monopoly board that I played my life on changed with every step I took. Should I pick the car or the shoe? How much am I willing to risk before I go running to the bank? Does that make me a bad person if I do? I never quite knew where today would end up and where tomorrow would take me. I always pondered upon the thought that maybe I was placed in the wrong spot for a reason and throughout my entire life, my job was to figure out where and how I fit into this world and by doing that, I would become a stronger person, someone who was meant to be. I believe we’re all simply fish out of water, just trying to find our way back home.