This I Believe

Angela - Chickasha, Oklahoma
Entered on January 31, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
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Have you ever felt that if you disappeared that no one would notice or care? I feel like that on a regular basis. I am not trying to gain attention or sympathy for my feelings but this is just how I feel.

I am currently a sophomore and I am beginning to feel like this is the last semester of high school. It began shortly after I was accepted to college, at OU. My brother, who is one year behind me in school, began his college search. My dad had just received a much deserved promotion and mom began to work extra hours because in a little over a year both my brother and I were going to be in college.

Since the family was busy I looked to my friends. We had been best friends since sixth grade, at school we were known as “the group” because we were inseparable. We would go to the movies, or hang out at someone’s house every weekend for six years. People would drift in and out of “the group” but there was always the core group of us.

About the time that I turned to my core friends, they weren’t there, so I turned to my current boyfriend. He graduated two years ahead of me in school. I thought he was a great guy, and at this time he and I had been together for a year, but he was going to school two hours away. He became verbally abusive, here I was, turning to the last person that I thought I could and he was treating me like dirt.

Now, almost two years later and many things have changed in my life except one, and that is my belief that if I were to disappear no one would notice or care. This past Christmas break was the first time my “friends” from “the group” called me to hang out with them. I might as well have not of gone, I don’t think a single person said a single word to me the entire time. It’s not like I didn’t try to include myself in their conversations, it’s that no one acknowledged me. Do you know how hurtful that is? They were too busy talking about how much fun they had last week when they hung out. By the end of the evening I eventually got tired of trying and stayed quiet, in an effort not to be rude, I didn’t leave until other people began to leave.

I was by no means unloved as a child, I hope I am going through a phase and it will pass once I find some true friends. But to be completely honest, I really do not know how to go about that or if I should even try because if everyone is like that I would just rather be alone. What I mean by that is, I thought I had true friends, and it turns out I was mistaken.