This I Believe

Jessica - Lenexa, Kansas
Entered on January 26, 2007
Age Group: Under 18

Just Live

Life. It isn’t something that should be thrown away. You should live it out, make the best of it. That’s what I believe.

About three years ago, a little longer, my life spiraled downward. I was growing anti-social, and happiness was just a far off dream that I couldn’t see to reach. Terrible thoughts of suicide swam through my head day and night. I was diagnosed with depression. Makes sense, though, doesn’t it? I mean, my father and grandfather suffer from it too. They put me on medication. Ah, sweet synthetic happiness. But things were still really rocky.

Between the times I started feeling these feelings of utter hopelessness and sorrow, and the time when they got my medication to the right dosage, was a very hard time for me and my loved one, as you can imagine. I know what it’s like to feel like you dying. Like your heart just can’t take all this pain anymore and will stop beating, you ceasing to exist. I know what it’s like to hate yourself with all your being, to purposely hurt yourself to be free of the emotional pain pouring down on you. I know what it’s deeply hurt one of the most important people in your life with the choices you made. I know what it’s like to want to die. To have the knife, your only salvation, pressed against your wrist, praying for the courage to make that final cut that would make the world go black, over and over again. Wanting with all your barely beating heart to be one of the angels. But I also know what it’s like to hold on.

No matter how many times I wanted to give up on the world, I held on because I found something to live for. Everyone, I believe, has something to live for. They just might not know it yet. My reason? Love. Hope that I might one day find it.

It took awhile, I’d say, until the gat the dosage right. I’m doing really better now. No more suicidal thoughts. Though, yes, I still get really depressed, but not like before. Though I will always be scarred by my experience, I think I have grown stronger, if only a little. So just listen when I say that nothing is worth taking your life over. There’s always something better waiting for you. Once you’ve hit the bottom there’s only one way to go, right?