This I Believe

Marshall - Deerfield, Wisconsin
Entered on January 20, 2007
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: community
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There are differences a many among such diverse populations of people that crowd the world today. Now, people attempt more than ever to resolve their differences through communication, but there’s a much better solution to resolving conflicts.

That solution is killing one another.

Ancient, barbaric peoples had it right from the beginning. Long ago, communication was almost non-existent. When a conflict arose amongst two tribe members, such as which of them gets to eat the juiciest, tastiest part of the game as opposed to which of them has to settle with eating the testicles, the two tribesmen would engage in fierce battle. When the strongest of the two drove a spear through the weaker tribesman’s skull, the conflict was without a doubt solved. Since the weaker tribesman now had a large, wooden pole sharing his skull with what was left of his brain, he did not need sustenance. The stronger tribesman would gain the rights to eat the most fulfilling parts of the game, including the testicles if he so desired. He was also granted the right to eating his recently diseased tribesman as well, to which he would usually exercise.

In the middle ages, many smart people realized that an open discussion about how different religions could co-exist on the same planet would lead to nothing productive, and they decided instead to assemble large groups of people together in order to massacre each other. The question of who’s god is greater wasn’t exactly going to answer itself. After many, many people died, most still didn’t know the answer, but at least there were a lot of people that could no longer continue to debate the topic, which proved the Crusades a tremendous success.

In Western civilizations in the later part of the previous millennia, honor was important amongst learned gentlemen. Often times, when one was insulted by a fellow intellectual while discussing important things like the amount of “cedar scent” a certain wine contained, honor would be stripped from the insultee. The logical response, in order to gain that honor back, involved a simple, painless procedure called a “duel.” After the insultee drove a long, sharp rapier through the ribcage and subsequently through the beating heart of the insulter, honor was instantly regained. Sometimes, however, the same would happen to the insultee instead, proving conclusively that the insultee indeed looked like an angry pig when he went to put a wine glass up to his nose. Since the insultee was now in no mood to object, the insulter would then sleep with the insultee’s wife to bring further shame to the insultee’s family.

Many more examples of using violence to settle one’s differences exist, and it’s humbling to know that our current world leaders are taking a solid lesson from history: killing someone is much easier than negotiating with them. You too can take this lesson to heart. Kill everyone who you have differences with. Since the people you would be killing have no relations to anyone and are not loved by anyone, and since only a negligible percentage of murderers are ever apprehended, no one will miss them and there will be absolutely no repercussions for your actions. Take my advice: this world can be a better place if we all learn to start killing our fellow human beings.

For further reading regarding the use of violence to solve problems, I suggest my essay entitled, “Witches Still Exist: To Be Safe, We Should Burn Everyone at the Stake.”