This I Believe

Brandy - Fort Collins, Colorado
Entered on January 15, 2007
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: illness
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I believe that my depression will lift off of me, exposing the twinkle that occasionally inhabits my eyes when I feel content.

I have been battling depression since early adolescence, and at times I recalled feeling terrified of the feelings that floated through my mind, and the ache in my chest. I remember thinking that it would be much easier if I could die, then I wouldn’t have to think anymore. I was only 14 years old. People who were close to me would whisper reminders in my ear to “smile” or “try to snap out of it”. Easier said than done when you don’t know what it is you’re up against.

For Years I carried around a cinder block of negative connotations. The worst being “a tender foot” or “overly sensitive”. Anger would well up inside of me because I couldn’t be the happy go lucky person that people expected of me, or that I had this nasty depression that infiltrated my mind. I became an expert at masking my depression, so that I didn’t have to explain the what and why of who I was.

In my late teens I realized that I had depression, and went through all the usual routines of doctors, medications, therapists and endless advice that I was given. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. I did know that for the first time in years I felt a sense of relief that I didn’t have to force a toothbrush in my mouth, or walk out the door to face the world. The only thing that constantly scared me was knowing that the depression could rear its head again and send me into another apathetic haze.

There are people that give up hope in themselves, or friends that may give up hope in you…but that does not mean that depression has to be hopeless,k or that you’re a hopeless depressive. It wasn’t until I gave up hope in myself earlier in the year that I realized that I wasn’t a depressed person, but a person living with depression. I finally realized that life is in a constant state of change, and makes me believe that someday my depression will lift off of me. In the meantime I can live a little more peacefully knowing that I don’t need to fear the opinions of others.