This I Believe

Amanda - Hinsdale, Illinois
Entered on December 18, 2006
Age Group: Under 18

There was a time that I believed everything was perfect, and no one could harm me because I had Alec. He became my comfort zone, and I could not see anything but the power and courage that his love gave me. I was bold, and I was not afraid because I had him to fall back on and tell me everything was ok. I opened up and let myself be vulnerable, but I also let my pride take over, and in doing that, I learned a good lesson.

I have always had trust problems. I can’t explain them, but I have always had them. I was always afraid of being hurt and not being able to overcome that. When I met Alec, that changed. We were at a staff lock-in for a retreat, and the whole group was having fun. I was making new friends, but for some reason I was drawn to Alec. We talked a lot, and became close. We had fun at the retreat, and afterwards we began to talk all the time. I got mono, but that didn’t stop me from getting even closer to him. We eventually began to date, and those four months we were together were amazing. I had so much fun and felt so safe. I felt that there was nothing on earth that could hurt me or hurt our relationship. I could have never seen how wrong I was.

One afternoon we were at the theatre waiting for our movie to start, and he got really quiet all of a sudden, and said he had something to ask. He wanted to know what I thought about him doing a friend a favor. My pride had took over, and I was so set on showing him that I trusted him I ignored my gut instinct. His best friend wanted him to go on a double date with him because the girl his friend liked wouldn’t go without her twin sister. I reluctantly said that it was ok if he went, again ignoring my gut instinct that told me otherwise.

It turned out that the girl he went with thought that the date was more than a favor to his friend, and she ended up making out with him. He was upset, and couldn’t bring himself to forgive his own mistake, and our relationship ended.

I was distraught, and realized that my gut instinct had been right. My pride had been wounded, but my gut instincts were right. I realized that letting myself fall into that false sense of safety, caused by none other than my pride, was not the way to go about proving your love and trust. Proving that you love and trust someone means that you have to be honest with yourself, and not let pride get in the way of that. It made me see that to trust others, I have to trust myself. Trusting myself was the hardest lesson to learn.