This I Believe

Ambica - California
Entered on September 27, 2006
Age Group: 18 - 30
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I believe in my own mind.

Most people never have to question this most fundamental and crucial belief, but to have it questioned is to have the ground cave beneath your feet and a gaping bottomless stygian hole open up.

I have a long history of depression, but havent felt the bite of it since I got on medication 3 years ago. After that I underwent surgery, and came out of it with seizures that lasted for the better part of a year.

A neurologist and a psychiatrist that I first went to told me that I was “addicted to unhappiness” and that my mind was causing me to have seizures as it wanted me stay ill.

I felt like I was cleaved in two. I was absolutely certain that I wanted to get well and return to my post-medication stability, and yet the men with the degrees were telling me that my mind was acting on its own volition to reverse this.

My belief in what I felt in my innermost heart was shaken until I realised that to doubt my belief in my mind was to hand over my sanity to someone else.

It was a very hard thought to hold on to, given the range of mental illnesses that are out there, and the weight of a professional’s opinion.

But I decided to give my sanity the benefit of the doubt and sought out better, more experienced doctors in a bigger city.

I am glad to say I was vindicated. It was proven that my seizures were a reaction to the spinal anaesthetic, something that is well-documented.

I shudder to think what would have transpired if I had not sought out more opinions. Even if I recovered, how would I live with the knowledge that my mind had duped me completely? Every thought after would be suspect. I would be living in a world of shadows with nothing at all to hold on to.

I came out of this experience with the realisation that for a number of people, this is their reality. My heart goes out to them.

I am only glad that I have a discerning and reliable mind that I can continue to believe in and that I plan to hold on to, literally, for dear life.