This I Believe

Bridgette - Bronx, New York
Entered on August 10, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: love

This I believe…………………about Love……………

I believe love is a necessary ingredient in all of our lives. With that said, when it comes to love I have extreme views. Or more accurately, I behave in the extremes. I am both extremely forgiving and loving and encourage love or extremely critical and have no mercy that excludes love. In the moments when I allow for love, it has given me a range of emotional experiences from a burst of life, energy, and motivation. When it goes wrong as it di some 14 years ago, it can be debilitating, and even erase every emotion previously experienced. Allowing myself to love and be loved is one of the most difficult things I have done.

I grew up unaffected by the societal pressures to marry and have children. Some thirty years have passed and I feel differently now. I fell in love several times often for brief moments at a time. These experiences were experiments on my part just to be sure that I was capable of performing this act of loving. Once I fell deeply in love and later vowed never to do it again since it had such a devastating impact on my life.

Imagine that I had saved up my ability to love and chose a person who was already married to someone else. Only he never admitted this until I was completely in love. As if there is a way to love without completely doing it. Being in love for me is like being pregnant. (Another example of my extreme position on the matter of love) When I am in love and go beyond a certain point, I am drafted as a permanent witness to the birth of a new me. The new me could be like an expectant mother, filled with the uncontrollable urge to be more, blossom, glow and grow in places that I was only vaguely aware existed before. I suddenly want more, do more, see more, expect more, consume more and then become more.

I recently gave myself permission in a odd friendship, to desire to fall in love and want a life partner. I like the feeling; I believe the experience is liberalizing. Since my first attempt at love I have created a space to visit, to test my capacity for love, or to fall in love, as often as I choose I can go there. Until I decide otherwise it is nice to know that this place is available for the choosing.