This I Believe

Lori - Daytona Beach, Florida
Entered on July 17, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: addiction

There are three words that encompass my personal philosophy in life,.. just be just. Unfortunately it was not always that way. I was a teenager in the 70’s and drugs were a major part of my life. When most were moving on and starting families I continued my descent into drugs. Years later while in the County Jail I shared this story with a cellmate, never imagining that it was going to be the precursor to my metamorphosis.

When I was living in a drug house with my boyfriend and his brother I was at the wildest point of my life. I carried a gun, drank and did drugs most days and this particular day I had really been going at it. Somehow I ended up in a car accident, fortunately I wasn’t hurt by one fellows arm was almost torn off. Later that evening, or should I say, early the next morning, I got into an argument and to make a long story short I ended up shooting my boyfriend. He refused any help and the police were never informed so I got away “scott free”, he recovered and everything remained the same with me…..or so I thought.

As I sat on my cot telling my cellmate this story it hit me….I felt remorse, deep guilt and was ashamed of what I did and who I was. This was a turning point for me and I began meditating….searching for what I needed to guide me. I thought about what I wanted to achieve and to my initial surprise it was not to be a “good” person, but rather a “just” person. It was the first time I felt “light” in spirit in a very long time.

A month later I ran into my old cellmate on the street, we talked and sipped sodas as we walked toward the main strip. Finishing my drink I threw the large cup down along side the curb and continued walking. After about fifteen steps I stopped, turned around and went back for my littered cup. She was laughing so hard she almost cried. When I reached her I said “what’s so funny?”

She said you could shoot someone but you can’t litter!!!

I stood there for a moment…kinda dazed by her remark, then smiling…feeling very light, I said “I’m just being just.”