Honesty is One of the Keys to a Happy Life

“Yeah, I did my independent reading, Ms. Borns-Weil. It was about…” And what followed was the plot of a popular sitcom. One he probably thought I never watched. It turned out none of the kids had done their reading, and even though we talked through the lying issue, this incident kept me up late that night. I realized that what I wanted to say was this:

Honesty is one of the most important things in life. Dishonesty destroys other people’s trust in you if they find out that you lied, and it’s really hard to build up that trust again. Even if you don’t get caught, dishonesty ends up destroying your own confidence in yourself. When you know that you have lied, you are always worrying that others will find out that you’re not who you present yourself to be. You start to feel like a fraud inside. But if you are honest about your mistakes and take responsibility for your faults, people will trust and respect you even more than if they thought you were perfect. Because deep down, we all know that nobody is perfect, so anybody who seems perfect must be hiding something or faking it.

It’s not unusual for my students to struggle with the temptation to lie. I don’t think it’s just the students who work with me, either. I think it’s a pretty common thing for kids to struggle with. Maybe it’s because they still think it’s possible to be perfect. I think most kids learn the value of honesty as part of the process of growing up. Of course there are some adults who haven’t learned it yet, but I believe they still could.

Even though most of us learn the importance of telling the truth, there is a deeper level of honesty that I know I still struggle with. I often fall into the habit of trying to present myself as competent, together, and sure of myself. Sometimes I don’t admit, even to my friends, how hard things can be or how confused I am. How much of the time, I don’t really know what I’m doing. The thing I have learned, though, is that, just like the overt kind of lies can eat away at your self-confidence because you worry that you’ll be found out, even this kind of dishonesty – presenting myself as competent and together when I don’t feel that way inside — eats away at my self-confidence.

Life. It’s a really challenging business. Parenting. Teaching. Being a good friend. Being married. When I remember to talk about it honestly, I feel bolstered and supported by my friends, by being part of the human family. I find out it’s challenging for all of us. When I forget to do that, when I fall into my habit of presenting a seamless exterior, I feel the confidence of my exterior shell, but it’s hollow inside, and fragile, like one of those Easter eggs I made as a kid by blowing the insides out of a tiny hole in the bottom. It doesn’t take much to crack the outer shell. It’s also pretty lonely.

So what I truly believe is that honesty is one of the keys to a happy life. And honesty is more than just not telling lies, it’s about living truthfully and openly, it’s lovingly revealing my human foibles, admitting my confusion, and owning up to my mistakes. Honesty is how I connect with other fellow human beings. It’s the connection that I truly crave. To be seen and accepted as I am.