This I Believe

Nikki - Vadnais Heights, Minnesota
Entered on June 21, 2006
Age Group: 30 - 50

I believe that we are all special. When I was a little girl I knew this to be true about me, but as I grew up I abandoned this knowledge and unconsciously began covering myself up and playing small and living from a place of fear and lack.

Living from a place of fear and lack is quite different than living from a place of love and generosity. Living from here means we give up the authentic self that keeps us immune from outside pressures, and succumb to them instead, becoming someone we are not. For me, instead of being special, I became a frightened little girl, afraid of everything from tornadoes to strangers. Then I became a starved adolescent who needed attention from boys, and then I matured into an insecure adult that lived out my fantasy of creating the picture perfect life I thought I missed out on in childhood. Soon this life wasn’t enough, and I became an angry, misplaced adult who had lost my place in the world. I was bored and unfulfilled and I had an insatiable yearning for more in my life.

The good thing about yearning is it forces us to seek resolution, however, first we must find answers to our pain. The answer for me was Maui, Hawaii. It was the only place I knew that could ease my inner suffering. Maui made me feel rich, alive, whole, relaxed and free. What I didn’t know then is that I did not have to go to Maui to get to these states. What I had to do was shift out of my current mind set and into a new one, one that was more prosperous and clear. This happened when I ended up in a small town instead of Maui.

The experience of living in a small town took me away from all the distractions and comforts of my previous life, and threw me into a world of what I feared my life had become; dull, boring, isolating and lifeless. The irony is it is this place where I came alive. Through hard work and constant inner reflection I reconnected to the special place in me that I had abandoned many years ago. In this space of reckoning I found my heart that was not as damaged as I had feared, only fiercely protected, and I found my hope, that was not gone, just sadly neglected, and I found a woman who was not abandoned, but who wanted to be intimately connected to everything and everyone.

This is my journey so far and I am no longer afraid of who I am. I am whole, happy, and alive, and I know I am loved by an infinite force that has never left my side, but has guided me through every twist and turn. We really are special, the question then becomes, do we have the courage to look within and see who we really are.