This I Believe

Chad - Adrian, Michigan
Entered on June 8, 2006
Age Group: 18 - 30
  • Podcasts

    Sign up for our free, weekly podcast of featured essays. You can download recent episodes individually, or subscribe to automatically receive each podcast. Learn more.

  • FAQ

    Frequently asked questions about the This I Believe project, educational opportunities and more...

  • Top Essays USB Drive

    This USB drive contains 100 of the top This I Believe audio broadcasts of the last ten years, plus some favorites from Edward R. Murrow's radio series of the 1950s. It's perfect for personal or classroom use! Click here to learn more.

Life as a [W]HOLE

I’m living in an Unmerciful Hell that of which the chains are holding me down, I try to escape, but get hurt worse every time. I try to escape this devastating place, I try to help my friends when they have all this hate in them and they want to end it by a quick slice to the neck, a blow to the head, or a slow and horrible death, while yet I still have problems, but I try not to speak of them. I hurt more, every key I hit puts more pain into my head at which I can’t break free I feel like I’m falling but I know I will never hit the ground. They cry, they hurt they try to think of a reason to not die, but get a vision everything would be better if they just committed the tragedy of themselves

While yet I’m in this cage, this ring, the middle of all this a show that once begins and never ends I know these are my good and best friends…but yet there’s no escaping that of which has happened to you. I care for my friends I try to help them with their tragedies, their heart breaks, while yet I’m just hurting myself more and more. I attempt to tell myself to try to not live with this, not listen, but I can’t. I’m too weak to even try to get back up I can only stand here and have all these sorrows hit me blindly, they hurt me more and more, but I don’t like to betray my friends, look the other way. While yet I have the same problems such as they do.

I’m depressed, sad, hated, and mad and know the only girl that I care about and cherish feels no feelings for me accept the thoughts of what her life would be like. I look into her sweet, delicate eyes and cry in my heart, I love her so, but I know she would never talk to me again. I live in this Unmerciful Hell; I will never break free of this. The pain, the tremendous joy which turns into sorrow, hate, sadness and yet I still try to help up my friends even though I know I’m killing myself, my life, my dreams are all fading away from me I will never recover from this. There may be a way, but I know I can’t take it. For I shall be too weak to even try to move, no one can help me except one, which I know detests me.

There are times at which I’m happy, but they slip away from me like a morning breeze one moment there and in an instant, gone. Many times I try and try to make myself feel better and be happy, but they are wrong. They free me from this world, but not from my life. I try to overcome my fears, but hurt myself more. I try to do things that are right and the only one I want is my cherished angel, the one I have loved for so long, but I know it will never be a happy ending for me. Nothing is happy. I try to be, but hurt more; I tell no one, I hide everything. I try to reveal it, but don’t, I’m scared for what is to come if I do. I know I’m nothing, but a mortal who is nothing to me why did I have to have this brought to me. I’ll die here helping out my friends while inside I’m already dead. This is my life, my pain, my curse, my Unmerciful hell.