I Believe in Being a Dreamer

I can remember the excitement in the air as I stepped upon the stage so long ago in that small little auditorium filled with bright lights, laughter, and the echoes of chattering about the great job of the guys who just exited the stage that I now found myself upon. At about the same moment that I had a chance to realize the stillness beginning to settle upon the room and a growing sense of uneasy within me beginning to bubble up, the music began in the background and before I really had a chance to think I found myself begin to bellow out the heartfelt lyrics of the song I so well prepared for my solo and first Karaoke performance. Afterwards, I remembered leaving the stage and being a bit confused that there was not that much clamor in the room and after some obligatory clapping the room fell silent again while the next performer was in preparation. Now reflecting back it all makes perfect sense. Many years ago during this performance, I was attending a fundamentalist Christian camp. The song was John Lennon’s Imagine and it never dawned on me how anti-Christian the lyrics could be perceived as, especially as I sang out the very first stanza with “Imagine there’s no heaven…it’s easy if you try…No hell below us…Above us only sky…” I was just a youngster of about 11 who found some sense of profound meaning within the song yet that which remained indescribable at that age. Yes, I was and am a dreamer and this is what I believe. I believe that no matter how hard, how scary, how impossible my dreams may at first and throughout the process seem to be, that it is of the utmost duty to myself to live these dreams and live them well! Throughout my life, I have encountered many times in which I tired to live someone else’s dreams for me, and each time without fail my life path went asunder and I found myself desolate and in despair. I remembered being criticized by family, friend, and foe for my “wild and unrealistic fantasies” and strongly urged and even threatened with a lack of support should I pursue avenues that I was told not to. I also remember being told by a prominent psychiatrist who worked at the hospital where I obtained a psychiatric technician position, “Why don’t you grow up and go to graduate school.” Then without fail once I remembered that I truly was a dreamer and began following my dreams again my life path began to blossom and flourish. It is no coincidence that I find myself living in California teaching at a university and also “teaching” within my clinical practice. By golly, at five years old living with my family of origin in North Carolina, I drew a picture of myself doing just such. I am a dreamer and this is what I believe.