This I Believe

Jessica - LaPorte, Colorado
Entered on April 28, 2006
Age Group: 18 - 30

I believe that a moment can change you, and you won’t know until later. My moment happened when I was five years old. Over the summer my family had some friends over for a barbeque. On this fateful day there was a tragic accident; Josh, who was five as well, was kicked in the chest by my horse. Josh was rushed to the Emergency Room where he was examined, several hours later he was sent home and the doctors told his parents “he would be fine and would just be a little sore in the morning.” Unfortunately the doctors were as wrong as they could be; later that night Josh died in his sleep from internal bleeding.

Later that week, after the funeral, I went to my mom and said “Mommy I’m mad at God, he keeps letting little kids die.” She has since told me that was one of the hardest things to hear from her youngest child. This remarkable statement coming from someone so young with practically no religious upbringing is surprising. I don’t remember saying this to my mom, but I remember the accident like it was yesterday. I remember my Mom carrying his little body to the paramedics, and his sister Sarah screaming and crying in the background, and I remember standing out of the way and just watching.

This incident has changed my views on God, religion and so forth. I had to cope with the death of a friend earlier than most, and I can say it doesn’t get any easier as I get older. I feel that this accident has impaired my abilities to let people in and for me to let people get close. I’ve kept my closest friends on such a superficial level; I will tell stories and share experiences with minimal detail, while hearing almost every detail of every aspect of their lives. I’m always having friends say “tell me more” or “why are you so secretive?” My boyfriend used to ask “I tell you my secrets; how come you don’t trust me with yours?” My response to all of these questions is. “I don’t know; I just can’t.” I don’t like to show my feelings and most certainly try to not let people know that they have hurt me.

My views on God, religion, and death have been modified, and to this day I’m not exactly sure where I stand. I still believe that this moment has affected me forever, whether it’s the day we bought the horse, Josh getting kicked, or the mistake that was made in the hospital, I will never know!