The 2 a.m. Mess

Kylee - Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania
Entered on October 29, 2012
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I believe in messes. I believe that abrupt, repetitive sentences that start with the same phrase are very dramatic and effective. I believe in not having central themes or deadlines. I believe in writing simply to write. I believe that the most honest, most pure writing comes in the middle of the night, when all of your dreams are fresh in your head. I believe that the dreams you have in the middle of the night are little slivers of who we are as a person. I believe that you should never apologize for being who you are.

So I began this essay around 2 am.

And I’m not sorry.

I believe that the sky is the prettiest at the beach and the grass is most beautiful in the country and most knowledgeable streets reside in the city. I believe that cowboy boots are appropriate foot attire for prom. I believe that the pink cotton candy tastes the sweetest. I believe that chocolate m&ms are the most honest, because they are the same on the outside are they are inside. I believe in always being you.

I believe that magic does exist, in some forms. Like love. I believe that my grandpa feels love every time he sees my gram. I believe my mom feels love when my dad hugs her after a long day. I believe that I feel love every time I see his smile. But that’s another story.

I believe in being strong, even when your world is falling to pieces. I believe in being tough, even when the watercolors of your life’s masterpiece begin to smear into each other creating a blur. I believe that when this happens, the strongest people in the world are those that can wake up in the morning, even though their lives are hard. I believe they are the people that smile at people that work in grocery stores and hold the door for the next person coming in behind them and let other people sit on the subway even though their legs are tired. Those people are the strongest. Those people are my favorite.

I believe that the more laugh lines that make up a person’s face tell how well they have lived. Those people have the best stories. My grandpa has a really goofy smile. It takes up his whole face. His eyes light up. He has four laugh lines on each side of his grin. He’s lived a good life.

I believe that it’s okay to be sad. I believe that we all have bad days and fall down. I believe we all have those days where we say the wrong thing to the wrong people. I believe it’s okay to get so frustrated that you could cry at any moment. I believe it’s okay to cry.

Regardless of all the sadness in the world, I believe good things happen every day. I believe good things happen even when bad things are happening. Sometimes these good things are just blessings in disguise. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe every day we have a chance to make things better, make things right. I believe every second in our day is a chance to make things beautiful. That’s 86,400 chances.

I believe in falling hopelessly in love. I believe in those butterflies in your stomach, the sparkles in your eyes, and the way you can’t catch your breath when he looks at you. I believe in being stupid and making dumb decisions. I believe in staying up before you fall asleep and thinking about all the things that make you happy, just simply because.

I believe that we can all grow up and live in the houses we dreamed about when we were six years old, including the sun in the upper left corner. I believe in rolling the windows down and turning the music up and putting your feet on the dashboard and throwing your head back and laughing. I believe in skipping over all the black cracks in the sidewalk, like we did when we were kids, just because we did it when we were kids. I believe in sitting on the front porch during thunderstorms. I believe in laying on the roof and counting the stars. I believe in trying to capture that moment forever.

I believe in being really bad in math, or soccer, or relationships, just because it makes us human. In the end, that’s what we all are.

I believe in second chances, and third chances, and thousandth chances. I believe in the good in people. I believe that at the end of the day, we all just want someone to love and someone to love us in return. Sometimes, we just have different ways of getting to our desired end. I believe that we are all loved, in one sense or another. I think we all need to reflect upon that before we go to bed. We are loved. That is beautiful.

So maybe this essay has no central focus other than my thoughts at two in the morning. Maybe I went on a rambling escapade. But I believe that the middle of the night, when all your dreams are fresh in your head, is the time when we are the “most us.” That is beautiful. In this I believe.