Don’t Blame Me

Caitlin - Lynnwood, Washington
Entered on November 15, 2011
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After a rough year first year of college I believe it’s not my fault. This statement seems so easy and can make you think I am talking about something as simple as spilling the milk. I am however referring to dating an ex alcoholic with an addictive personality.

When I first started college I thought it would be the easiest thing in the world and in truth it is now but wasn’t so much before. I had met this guy about two months into school, he was the sweetest guy and we quickly became close. We both had the same personality we could easily be together not say one word and be comfortable with it. The best thing was we wrote poetry, loved music and were close to our families. He was my best friend; we shared everything from the tiniest detail about our lives to our deepest darkest secrets. The attachment was automatic we soon became more than friends, two peas of the same pod.

At first I thought I could handle what he was going through but then it started to take its toll on me. He would have almost relapses or have anxiety attacks then claim it was because his emotional attachment to me was draining his strength. He cheated on me once and broke my heart more than a couple times. Yet I stuck with him I believed that if I just stayed with him long enough I could help him.

Soon I was over whelmed with confusion and sadness. My poetry that had once been so bright and filled with happiness was now consumed with doubt and desperation. I didn’t know what to do I was looking for a way out and someone to help me understand. I finally saw a school counselor who explained that loved ones who are close to those with addictions can go through the exact same thing they are. She thought it was best that I went to a support group call Al-Anon which was for loved ones of addicts.

I believed that it would help me and in truth it did but what really got me through was my Mom. When I finally broke down and was blaming myself so much that I was thinking of taking a nose dive out my two story window I called her. She said the most inspiring four words that got through to me, “it’s not your fault.” She told me what I needed to hear, my Mother told me that I was being stupid. She told me that I knew in my head that he would be like this whether I was there or not and that I couldn’t do anything from him but walk away from him to save myself from the downward spiral he was in.

After I broke contact with him it took me four months to finally start feeling like myself again and in truth I am still working on being me again. When people ask why I stayed with him, why I couldn’t physically walk away from him or why I blamed myself I can’t answer them. All I can say with every ounce of pride I have is that all I know and all that matters is it’s not my fault.