I Believe in Pointing my Toes

            I believe in pointing my toes; I believe that through dancing I can express my feelings and let go of fear. I believe Dancing gets me through my mother’s alcohol addiction.

            For almost all my life I grew up with a mother addicted to Alcohol. No matter what time of day it is, the only thing I see in her hands is my biggest fear of all. A poison that changes who she truly is. That Poison is Vodka. She is not only an alcoholic but a she is a stroke victim, and she is paralyzed on the right side of her body. I often hope, and pray that she will not die. With her anger problems, my mom cuts the scars off of her own skin and glues them onto my family and I. By then, the devils soul was not only inside her, but it was also in me. Anger and hatred fill my veins. But I learned how to let that anger out, without even having to open my mouth.

            July 3rd 2009. I can still remember everything. Salty, tear drops slithered down my cheeks at the sound of my mother being possessed. Not only was her mouth screaming, but her eyes were too. My mother leaves the house, devastated that she didn’t win the war. Her hair is crazed, eyes are blood shot, and her pants are sitting at her ankles. Embarrassed that the neighbors are staring at us, I feel angry, and hurt. My skin peals from my bones, I knew couldn’t scream, because that would make me weak one.

In that moment I closed my eyes. I saw myself standing on a stage. The crowd was empty. But my mother was sitting in the center grinning at me like an evil joker.

“Your a mean girl, and nobody loves you.” I remember her speak. The words suffocate my heart. My nerves vibrate with anger, waiting to explode. I start to dance and emotion spills out from my toes like a waterfall. I keep dancing, and I promise myself to never stop. Im breaking through my fear with each beat of the song. 

My legs are shouting at my mother, “I am not afraid, I am fierce, You will never defeat me for I am strong and I wont give into you.”  

My arms screech to her, “I promise myself I will punch through the rocks you’ve place in my pathway.”

My pointed toes command her, “I will never stop pointing in the direction of happiness, and bravery.”

Thats when I break down the brick wall. When I know I’m not longer hiding in a corner wishing that my fear would just walk away. I cannot change my mothers choices or decisions, but I can change myself, and I can also believe in myself. But the most important thing is that I can believe in pointing my toes, and letting go of fear.