Is This How I Feel? : Self-Honesty in Everyday Life

I believe in honesty, not just any honesty, but self-honesty. We always need to talk to ourselves and ask how we are feeling. Anybody can tell you how they think you feel, but you are truly the only person who will ever know. Whether you are sad, happy, or angry, the only way to give correct reason to those feelings is through honesty. How do I feel? Why do I feel this way? You can and will learn who you are and what you want when you ask yourself these questions. I couldn’t tell you how many times a day I see a fake smile. Not a fake smile when somebody tells you a joke (that’s just polite), but that kind of fake smile when somebody passes you in the hallway and says “hello” and you just smile (even though you’re having a crappy day) and say “hi”. It’s like they are asking you how you feel just by saying hello. Every single person I say hello to in the hallway smiles at me. I know that’s not how they always feel. I may be charming, but come on.

I think people relate happiness with success and status. They think, “Wow, that guy is always happy, he’s doing something right,” or “She is always smiling! I’m not… she must be cooler and more popular than me.” We definitely do not say that out loud, and usually we pretend that we aren’t even thinking that, but we are. Some people say that if you smile, even if you aren’t happy, you’re brain gives out hormones that make you happy. That’s like peddling, like a bicycle, on the brake and the accelerator of your car. Sure you’ll move the car, but it’s going to break down pretty soon. Good luck getting up a hill too.

Isn’t that what life is? We are all in a car going up hills and down hills until our car just breaks. These hills of emotion can’t be ignored. Why would you pretend you are going up a hill when you’re really going down? Then why would you pretend you’re happy when you’re really sad? The day that I learned about self-honesty doesn’t exist. It took me from the time I was old enough to identify feelings to senior year in high school. However, I will tell you about a time when I should have been honest with myself.

I’ve had a couple girlfriends so technically I should be telling you about a couple of times that I should have been honest with myself, but I’ll tell you about one. The longest relationship that I’ve ever had was about three months. Did we like each other? It was more like we put up with each other. Neither of us was honest with ourselves. “Do you want to go out with me?”

“Yes.”

I wish I could go back in time to that conversation and yelled “Fire!” just before I popped that question. Everybody in the nearby vicinity would scramble. And in the chaos, I would kidnap myself and make me read this essay. Then I would release myself back into the wild to make better decisions. I’m not saying that she wasn’t nice or pretty, but it just doesn’t click sometimes. I dare anybody who reads this essay to disagree with me. We all know what I mean. As I was asking the question, I knew. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. Isn’t it funny how that happens? You think you know what you want and then right before you get it, you stop thinking and start knowing what you really feel. It is in that moment where your life is at a crossroad. If you follow your heart and use this self-honesty, you will always be satisfied with the decisions you make everyday of your life.

It’s not easy. Nothing is truly easy. Ever. It’s not easy to look deeper into yourself. It’s not easy to walk away from that really pretty girl whom you don’t actually want a relationship with. It’s not easy to be a fireman. They are extremely underpaid and risk their life each and everyday. But if you watch the movie “Backdraft” and get the urge to wear a large hardhat that says NYFD, then do it! Go do it! Look within. I think we should always look for the answers that are within us. Sure, listen to everybody’s opinion. That’s fine. But before you start peddling away in your Prius, ask yourself: Does this feel right?