The Emotional Gift of Grief

I stood holding our fourteen year old Yorkie as our veterinarian gently injected medication, ending his pain and life. I could only stare at Raemey, thinking about the years of love, dedication, and loyalty I had been privileged to receive. After a few tearless moments, I handed my pet, friend and companion to be cremated, and headed to the car.

In the chilly February air, I wondered why I hadn’t cried. Perhaps I was numb; or had I already cried so much knowing I was losing my best friend.

Over the next few days, I remembered the stages of grief, including denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and finally acceptance.

Did it really matter what stage I was experiencing? Feeling deep loss, I just knew I hurt. I missed him so much. Every time I thought of him, tears welled in my eyes. I noticed my husband’s way of dealing with loss was so different from mine. How did he and I learn to grieve so differently? These questions surprised me as I processed what I was feeling.

I thought back to the birth of our children. I believe babies experience their first moment of grief in the loss of the warm, nurturing womb. Could I have helped my newborn through this experience? Later when our daughter lost her pet rabbit, had I allowed or even helped her to adequately grieve this loss? Perhaps the discomfort our culture has with grieving encouraged me to replace a lost pet or get over a loss quickly, interrupting the process each of us must experience.

Another loss that came to mind was the death of my sister in an auto accident. Following the funeral, the let-down immediately sent me into depression. Did I give myself permission to feel the torrent of feelings cascading through me? Had I learned to grieve well?

While writing this, I watched the 9/11 remembrances. I knew no one who had died that day, yet a lump built in my throat. I was reminded that I grieve daily, over both big and small losses. I believe grieving is a process that each individual experiences in his or her own way and time schedule. I believe unresolved grief can be as devastating as the grief-causing incident or situation itself. I also believe we must nurture grief as the gift that it is, letting it take its time and pathway through our lives as it will.

I believe we need to not only allow ourselves and others to grieve; but we must teach them or at least help them through the process, letting them know it is okay to feel the feelings before suppressed grief manifests itself in detrimental emotion, psychological, or physical effects. Grief is real. It is an emotional gift that is as genuine as love, or anger, or peace, or hope.