Duty and the Less-Beaten Path

Stone-faced, I sat in the courtroom and stared ahead, drowning out the sobs coming from the victim’s family. I ignored the hushed sniffles of the prosecutors who had come to watch the judge hand down the sentence. I muted my client’s desperate cries, knowing that I had done everything I could to help her. And I repressed the images of a dead toddler that I had seen in my file earlier that day. My client was convicted of vehicular manslaughter, and I was the only person in the courtroom who could not cry.

My inability to show emotion wasn’t because I didn’t feel emotion, nor was it because I had become hardened over the years by the range of heinous crimes I had seen my clients charged with. The reason for my reaction was simple: As the public defender assigned to represent someone who was just convicted in the death of a child, I could show no emotion that would betray my duty to her.

Duty. That’s a word I have heard thrown around loosely for my entire life. In my field of work, people equate duty to fighting crime and punishing the wrongdoers. But I believe that my duty is in taking the less-beaten path. As a public defender, I fight to uphold the rights of the accused, which have so clearly been etched into our Constitution. I strive to ensure that every individual who goes through the criminal justice system has a fair trial. And I work hard to maintain my integrity and professionalism, knowing that I face a system that is inherently wired to work against me from the start.

People have asked me over the years, “How can you sleep at night knowing that you are responsible for letting criminals out on the streets?”I am always taken aback by that question, and often, I can’t figure out how to answer it. I nervously try to explain that the justice system is two-sided, and that my role is crucial – I am simply there to uphold their rights, not release them from prison. But my explanations are often met with confusion, lack of empathy or disdain.

But I know that by taking the less-beaten path, I have become stronger, smarter, and more adaptable. I have learned to deal with society’s most difficult citizens and still maintain a healthy amount of empathy. I have progressed in my journey of se lf-discovery while continuing to contribute to society in a necessary, albeit unpopular way. And as I knew would be inevitable, my duty has turned me into a fighter.