I Belive

I believe that in life God gave me more than I can handle but also helps me handle what I am given. Over time I have been stricken with many difficult situations without any solid answer to the puzzle. I figured out that I must seek out the pieces to fix the puzzle of life and slowly put them where they belong.

Throughout my life I have had many struggles. My most recent and probably the hardest one was when I found out that the woman I called my mother for 16 years, isn’t. My birth mother abandoned me when I was 2 weeks old and I just found out the summer before my junior year. Hearing that I have been lied to by my family and also my best friend all these years brings back all of my feelings of hate and makes me believe that I cannot trust anyone. Not even my own family. I have lost all trust in everyone because of the fact that I was lied to my whole life. My family tried to convince me that I was really part of the family and that she really was my mom, but the bottom line is she is not my birth mom and nothing will ever change that. Worrying about my birth mom makes me sick to my stomach because I do not know where she is and neither does the rest of the world. My mother has been on the national missing person’s list for about three years. This situation is what made my belief in God become so strong because I have to have the faith in him to protect my mother and keep her safe. Along with dealing with this I also suffer from multiple emotional disorders.

Anxiety, depression and panic attacks are some of the hardest diseases to handle in my life, while having to deal with school and living life day to day without letting these problems get me down and keep me there. Dealing with stressful situations is harder for me than it is for the average person. When I get stressed out or put into a room with an excessive amount of people, my lungs start to close and feel like they are on fire, my palms get sweaty, my eyes start to narrow and I get dizzy. The pains that pound through my chest cannot be described in any way other than a knife sliding through my chest and pin pointing at certain places. Panic attacks are about the same but are more severe and more painful. Going through a normal day and live life as a normal person is very hard for me to do. Putting all of my faith in God is what has gotten me through the past couple of years.

Through my mother leaving me and suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and depression I have had to put my life in God’s hands and trust him to lead my down the right path and show me what I need to do. He has given me the strength I need to proceed and overcome these obstacles. My belief has been tested and doubted multiple times throughout my life but I always remember that God is always there for me. Even though there are many circumstances I still question God about why He would let something happen I still have faith that what he does is to better me and my life, but in the end it is God who is the light guiding me on the bumpy and jagged path of life, pushing me to go in the right direction.