Spill the Venom

“Stop this. Stop doing this to yourself. What have you become?” A flying V of birds. They fly together. They never leave each other. They are one. I thought I felt that kind of caring relationship, but in all, it ended brutally. My happiness was taken away and left destructed in my mind full of anger and desperation.

I lied to myself. I said for one whole day that I did not worry, nor object to my happiness. I thought that this illuminating brilliance was there. I think I told myself this in order to please others around me, in order to let them not worry about me anymore. I lied. I lay in bed thinking of everything that possibly went wrong throughout my life letting it all sink in.

I thought that my happiness could be brought upon through not speaking to you anymore. My love for you is so strong that it was able to break the barrier around me, destroying it to pieces, letting it fall one by one. Your presence in my life was like the temperatures in Michigan, storming from hot to cold in only just one day. One week, or one month.

When it was hot, it felt like nothing else in the world mattered. That I mattered to you as much as you to me. It felt like I could achieve greatness and believed that you would always be by my side. When the storm came, when it brought the coldness and fear… everything was sent in a tiny bucket down the hill, spilling everywhere. Your unhappiness found me in the dark and left me there to die. Before you, I felt something was missing. That missing piece which I thought (or still maybe do think) was you.

With that, I was left with a question. Should I stay or should I go? If I stayed, the constant worry of you not caring or of you leaving would be there. The cold days may outweigh the warm, but the warm always feel so nice and pleasant. Do I go? Would there be more warm days? Could I still feel secure? Both positives and negatives sit on the same scale, balancing.

What I did before I chose is that I finally found that sense of care. I could not find it and I felt alone. I felt that this loneliness was taking over my body. I would be surrounded by a bunch of people but still, was empty. A selected group of people might possibly have so much care for me that it hurts them so. And yet, I still sit here at hours of the night questioning, why am I here? What is there for me to prove to myself? When will my happiness find me in the dark? All I truly know is that I believe that one’s will to find happiness, must be the strongest element in their life.