easier said then done

cristina - walnut creek, California
Entered on May 11, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30

The word forgiveness has been heard throughout my life: in church, from my mom, and even the T.V. The same saying always repeated in my mind for years, 4 years to be exact, “ In order to be forgiven you most offer forgiveness in return.” My response for four years “of course easier said then done.” It wasn’t until I experiencing betrayal did the understanding and belief that forgiveness isn’t easy, but it is key to moving on to happiness.

Many times in my life I have been deceived by people who didn’t matter. So it was easy to practice forgiveness when being put in situations that were thought to be complicated at the time. Figuring I had it down this whole forgiveness “issue” people around me said I needed to work on. Telling my mom every time I found it in my heart to forgive a friend for not paying me back or not saying hi to me at school that day. The approval I was looking for never came. She would always say “That’s great cristina.” It was the way she said it that made me think I had so much to learn , and what I thought I found in myself still wasn’t their.

My father never understood fully how important his role in my life was. He was selfish and felt that he needed to live his life only thinking about himself; not realizing how his decisions affected the people around him. I learned to accept him for who he was, and understood he was never going to be the father I wanted. I learned not to expect anything from him so I wouldn’t be disappointed and hurt when he wasn’t there to help me with my problems. I was forgiving him for all his faults and imperfectness, It was hard understanding that not everyone is meant to have children.

There were a lot of bad qualities that my father possessed. One I would never consider affecting me directly; steeling from his own daughter. trusting him enough to think he would never take from me with out asking at least or giving me some type of warning. In the process of moving, I saved enough money to support myself since I knew I would not have a job for a couple of months after the move. One of the last times I hung out with my dad, I gave him my debit card to get me some junk food from 7eleven. It was at that time he withdrew money from my account. I didn’t know until I made the move to Northern California from Southern California and only because the bank called to inform me. I was shocked and mad not thinking at first it could be him. Figuring it out for myself once they told me the location where the money was withdrawn. In order to get my money back I would have to file a claim with the bank and give them the name of the person I thought it was. It took me a while to make my decision. I was hurt, I never saw this coming from him, I didn’t know if I could ever forgive him and trust him after this. I decided to give the bank his information and letting them take it from their. Everything I had forgiven him for in the past seemed small and pointless compared to this. Everything I thought I believed in was put to question. I truly felt forgiving him would make me a stronger and happier person. Letting go of all the pain he caused helped me find the strength I needed to make myself a better person. It was a hard decision to make but one I don’t regret.

Being betrayed and deceived seem to be some of the most unforgivable acts. It is easy to stay mad and hurt, it’s hard to move on and accept what has happened. Challenging myself to forgive the “unforgivable” let me find a different kind of happiness that is rewarding.