The Truth Within the belief

Megan - Rexburg, Idaho
Entered on May 11, 2009

What do I honestly believe in? I believe that life is very valuable. If I were to end my life today, I would regret it for all of the eternities. Life is something that many people value over anything else, I want to as well.

Last February was a very hard month for me. I was getting ready to go back up to school and was focusing on getting a new job up there. The problem is, I have suffered with depression since I was thirteen and have never been treated for it. Today was a lot like that terrible night in February.

I was pacing back and forth in my room, called every close friend I had with no answer. It would have helped me lots if one of my friends would have picked up their phones. Nothing was working. I turned my iPod volume all of the way up and took off into the night. I told my parents I needed to take a walk and left even though they said it wasn’t safe for me to go out so late. I turned on the angriest music I could find on my IPod and just walked. I was crying, growling, and yelling inside my head. Everything seemed to be ending. I couldn’t find my inner will to live. Life meant absolutely nothing.

I walked for a long time, and then I came to my house, sat on the park bench, and huddled up in a ball. I sat there, hugging my knees, trying to convince myself it wasn’t worth it. Staring out into the night, I looked like a dead zombie. There was no life in me or my eyes. Nothing mattered. The cold didn’t even penetrate me. I sat there for about a half hour, rocking back and forth like a mother rocking her baby, except that I was the baby rocking itself. I was rocking myself, trying to comfort myself. Everything was blank. I just wanted everything to be over. Life had no meaning whatsoever.

Now this morning, I woke up late and came to work late. I was trying to keep my mind busy with work, but it wasn’t working. Everything just seemed to be a blur. I texted a friend of mine saying I really needed a hug. He came in and we went in the back and we talked about everything. I need to go to a doctor and get on some medication. I’ve never been before and I’m scared. I know that my life is very important and valuable. That is why I have not ended it. That is why I’m going against my worst fear and going to the doctor and admitting that I am weak, a servant to depression, in need of help to get back on my feet because I have fallen rock bottom. It is now time to get up and truly believe how valuable life truly is.