Fear to forgive

Sarahann - camano is., Washington
Entered on May 10, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: forgiveness

The room was dark my brother (3 yr.) and I (1yr.) were playing gold fish in the front room while my mom was watching lifetime on the television. It was a quiet night a slight wind blew outside. I heard a rock hit the bathroom window. I sat on the floor hearing glass hit the floor. My mom ran to the bathroom, my brother grabbed me and hid in the corner behind the brown sofa. I could hear my mom yelling at my dad, he was drunk again. I saw my mom get thrown against the flower wall paper just outside the bathroom door. Yelling was still going on, I was scared, I cried in my brother’s arms while he continued to tell me everything was going to be ok. They violently yelled at each other for what it seemed like hours. The following day we pack up and left that house and from then on my life will always be different.

I believe in the fear of forgiving someone who has never been a part of my life. You say you love me when I was a child than by the time I one you never want to see the light of day of my again. You say I’m the best thing that ever happened to you than you give me up like you’re throwing away the trash. How can you have so much hate in your life to not even realize how much your daughter is hurting for just some love from her own father? I want to forgive you but I fear you will not give me the love that I deserve.

Many children have to deal with divorced parents being taking to a designated spot every other weekend to have visiting hours with the mother or father. But for me I did not have that opportunity to experience life with my father in it. To him we were just the moldy parts to a loaf of bread he just threw us out life like it was nothing. Not having a father in my life made my childhood very complicated because I never had that father daughter time that some kids experience. Going to the beach on a sunny afternoon with my mom and brother. There was sand everywhere and every now and then I would see a large rock and I would run over there and look underneath it hoping to find some crabs even though I was petrified of them. Then I would look over and see other families having a great time, the dads are throwing the kids it the air like they had wings on their backs. I would ask my mom if my dad loves me life their dad loves them and she would say, “I love you more than every one every can, and that’s good enough.” Sitting in my room most nights just wishing he would pull up in his silver run down four door Subaru wagon and tell my mom he was sorry and he wanted to be in our lives again. Fifteen years past and he never showed. I lost all hope for my dad to show up and I’ve lost all the love I’ve had for him.

I am hurt to my soul all I wanted for him was to love me and to be in my life. He has been vacant in my life for now and forever. I believe in fear for forgiving my father in the fear that he will only hurt me again.