I believe in the concept that sometimes questions just cannot be answered, and maybe it is best that way. Growing up surrounded by a family of Christians, I have always been told that God has a plan for everyone, and that all things happen for a reason. Whether I was too young to understand, or I simply did not put enough thought into their words, the meaning of that message has become so much more profound throughout the past year. Something that was once practically nothing to me is now something I feel I strive on constantly in order to keep my sanity.
At just eight-years-old, I lost my grandmother to a long battle with skin cancer. Immediately, I felt a sense of overwhelming grief and emptiness I could have never imagined. Thinking back on that time, I still feel the same. For the first few years after her death, doubting God’s existence seemed to be a daily task, one which completely drained me of all optimism. It was impossible for me to fathom how He could take someone so precious from me when I was not even able to grasp the reality of life and death yet.
Less than two years later, my mother, after many years of enduring uncertainty and loneliness, decided to divorce my father. Although I knew their marriage had a lot to be desired, once again, another perfect idea of God I had formed in my mind based on the influence of my peers was instantly destroyed. I often found myself questioning why He, the one who was supposed to be there for me through my deepest, darkest moments of desperation, would leave me in an additional position I had such little control over. Ever since I was a little girl, I envisioned my parents being together forever, both there for me just as much as God was supposed to be.
It was not until late January of this year, at seventeen years of age, that I realized the concept I not only so strongly believe in, but also depend on more than anything else. Following more than a twenty-five year struggle with alcoholism, my closest uncle passed away. The beginning of 2009, the year I had always anticipated because of my high school graduation, suddenly and unexpectedly transformed into the most dreadful, devastating in nearly ten years. With my parents both unemployed, my grandfather left to fend for himself for the first time, and the only man who was steadily a part of my life taken from me, I returned to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and disappointment in the God I was always taught to love and devote myself to. However, my mom, the most amazing person I know, reminded me of what I hear in church almost every Saturday night…”God is good, all the time.” Reflecting on that, I have learned to accept that sometimes questions just cannot be answered, and maybe it is best that way.