On The Other Team

Jessica - Surprise, Arizona
Entered on May 7, 2009
Age Group: Under 18

Heaven, Hell. Is there such a thing? I was born and raised as a catholic and I believe there’s a God, but have you ever read the bible? I haven’t either. So how can I truly call myself something if I don’t abide by all the rules? You can’t go to all the practices of the volleyball team, skip the games, and still be considered a real a player, can you? Life has too many questions and not enough answers if you ask me.

When I was younger I used to fear God and religion. It terrified me that there was such an immense power out there that knew exactly who I was and what I was doing, all the time. I would lie in bed at night, and think about God; scaring myself silly with all the questions I had and the answers I imagined. “What if he comes to me one day and asks me to test my faith?” was a popular one. I didn’t know if I would run in terror or if I would get on my knees and do anything he asked.

I suppose one of the reasons I feared religion so much was because I was terrified of dying. I always assumed I would die young and in a painful way. I wouldn’t leave the house or anything because I would imagine ways that accidents would happen and things would end badly, for me, of course. And if I died, and there was no God, everything I was taught was a lie.

As I started to grow I developed a standing arrangement with God: I would believe in him, go to church, and be good as long as he didn’t let me die horribly.

Then one October, my Grandma got sick and was in the hospital. This wasn’t the first time and we all assumed she would pull through; she didn’t. I wasn’t there when she died but my mom was, and when she got home she told me what some of her last words were.

“Oh, it’s so beautiful; Heaven. I love you all so much, but it’s time for me to go there. They said so. And I trust them; the angels.”

I didn’t fear God anymore. I still haven’t read the bible, but since then I’ve believed that there’s something after life. I may not be a player for that specific team, but I’m finding out what I do “play” for; he is good and caring. He doesn’t damn anyone. He forgives. And most of all, he doesn’t care if you believe in him, because he believes in you. This, I believe.