My older brother Randy once said, “As hard as life gets you just have to keep playing the cards life gives you and to never fold”. Those words may have saved my life.
It was 11:30pm on a warm summer Wednesday night, its quiet in my un-American dream home with my self loathing, anti fun, anti me, just anti everything father, and my scared and passive mother sleeping in the same bed they have a relationship resembling rival countries sharing a border. My 9-year-old brothers room next to mine; he’s un-aware of the displeasure and awkwardness of our own home.
I’m in my quiet dark room and all I could feel is my heart beating faster in my chest thump… thump thump and again but even faster thump.. Thump thump. Sitting on my bed; midnight blue sheets, red spaghetti stains, my door locked; tied with shoe laces, to keep the wanted and the unwanted out. All I can hear is my heart thumping and the humming of the light as it struggles to stay on after 8 hours of turning it on, and turning it off, deciding which light my body would look better in after they break down the door.
My locknkee multi tool knife lay on my desk, dripping with rubies off of the razor-sharp edge from hours before, leaving there mark and having more purpose in my life than I ever would. My tears roll down my face over the scars left by the abusive more pathetic father who has even less hope in his own son, the tears leave their own invisible scars, scars of fear of a coward, they taste salty, I always hated that taste, the taste of lost hope, sadness, and despair.
I hold the water bottle I got at lunch that day, it once held the essence of life but now gone and replaced with what will end mine; pills: blue, red, yellow, purple, like a rainbow except this rainbow doesn’t have a pot of gold at the end but instead a sad, depressed, stupid, 16 year old boy who has lost hope. But a brief look into the future reveals, hope, changes appear.
So as I sit here staring at my blank ivory wall, I stand up untie my make shift lock of shoe laces, turn my light off and think about what my brother said and decide to not fold but to play my hand and wait for the next hand dealt