An awakening to love oneself…this is what I believe

Karen - Abbotsford, Canada
Entered on May 6, 2009
Age Group: 30 - 50

I love you. Three very small words that have tremendous power. It has been said that emotions are the barometer of the creative seeds of humanity that determine our experiences in our day to day life. I believe in the healing power of emotions and how they inspire and connect me to all forms of life on this earth…indeed in this universe.

So many experiences in my life have proven this to me time and time again. The one I share with you today is an awakening…a realization of my consciousness of self. Two years ago I was diagnosed with uterean cancer. Surgery was needed but I was not well enough to have it. Severe allergies to surgical medications and anesthetics complicated the issue and I was faced with the possibility of my own demise. It became a waiting game…waiting for my health to improve so I could take the risk of surgery with only a 25% chance of survival…or waiting for death. The range of emotions I experienced was overwhelming. Anger, rage, resentment, self pity, worry for my children, despair, desolation, depression, isolation, grief, a deep sense of loss…..and a glimmering of something else. Something I’d never felt before or at least never acknowledged feeling before. A sense of consciousness….an awakening.

I have always been empathic in nature, able to sense emotions in others usually long before they realize it themselves. But as a victim and survivor of violence and abuse as a child I repressed my own personal emotions while growing up, detaching myself from those whom I could feel to shield my own vulnerability. I became passionately compassionate towards others while at the same time developing a destructive self loathing for what I perceived as my own emotional weaknesses. It has taken decades to give myself permission to finally cry, to resolve the hurt of a little girl and to let go all the pain and poisonous judgements of my lifetime, negative emotions which I now believe were the root cause of my cancer.

With this glimmering sense of consciousness I would hear a voice….calm…peaceful…yet quietly steadfast…”I love you” it would whisper, echoing in the emptiness inside me. And as my illness grew, the voice increased in volume, becoming louder and louder, shouting above all the negative emotions “I LOVE YOU”! Aggravated and annoyed one night, believing I was truly losing my mind, I shouted out loud “WHO? WHO DO YOU LOVE”? Silence followed, a stillness filled with anticipation. With quiet strength, enveloped in warm conviction the voice simply said “You”. A flood of emotions overtook me…forgiveness, love, peace, and joy and I cried myself to sleep feeling cradled by something that was both separate and a part of me, what I now believe to be my soul as a part of the oneness of all souls.

I had my surgery 19 months ago. And I did die during surgery as expected. For 10 minutes I was clinically dead. But it was only my physical body. I, me, was very much alive and I believe I returned because of a very powerful emotion…pure eternal love. I believe that my emotions hold the truth of who I really am. And the spiritual growth I have experienced and am still experiencing since then has been mind boggling. Yet the clarity that I am gaining each and every day in acknowledging the truth of my emotions, is what is helping me to learn to see past the stories created in my mind, to shape what are the truths of my core beliefs, to connect with others in ways and dimensions I did not even realize existed. So now I kiss slowly and deeply. I love truly and fervently with all of my heart. I break the rules and I forgive quickly. I laugh freely and uncontrollably. I dance passionately like no one is watching. I attempt to be pesent in my own life everyday…not always successfully, but with awareness, acceptance, and love that I am a work in progress. And I welcome, invite, share in and am one with the emotions of all that surrounds me and lives through me for I believe emotions are what sustains my existence. The awareness I experienced has given me strength to take up residence in the core of my being and say “This is who I am. This is what I believe”.