I believe in explosions. I believe in the big bang, in the fireworks set off to commemorate a new year, and the unexpected collisions which result in chance people meeting. My friend once compared me to an explosion because of my sporadic behavior and my enthusiasm for certain subjects. For some reason my synapses connect in a way like I am jumping from spark to spark as I radiate further from the epicenter. For example, I can be talking about Pokémon with a friend, make a joke about bestiality, and then head on to Freud. Actually did you know that Freud advocated cocaine as a remedy for morphine addiction? Isn’t that ironic since patients became cocaine addicts instead? Sometimes I don’t even remember how I get from A to C because I skipped B completely. I believe in having my mind explode with all this information that I want to share. I believe in the vitality and the raw power of explosions, in the flame that spurs me to expand my interests, to pursue knowledge, to open myself to all possibilities.
As a young child, I was probably the most cynical kid ever! I didn’t have an opinion because I didn’t want to be wrong so I was skeptical about everything from God to what the lunch lady was telling me the meat was for today’s lunch. I was so self conscious and embarrassed that I didn’t step outside of the little prison I set up for myself. Who wants to be wrong? Who wants to feel ashamed? I can already imagine those faceless people talking about me behind my back. “She’s so strange” “She’s a slut” “Is she wearing purple?!!”
Suddenly, an explosion, a revelation in fact. I make myself happy; I’m the doctor who prescribes the happy pills. I give myself standards and chance events pass by because I let them slip away. So what if I like “The Middle Man” and I dislike Gossip Girl and reality television immensely. “Blasphemy”, girls of my age hiss, but they’re not me. Although, it does help being true to myself when I find people who like me just the way I am. And I believe that there’s always someone out there who likes me and will put up with all my idiosyncrasies.
Therefore, I believe in letting all my inhibitions go and explode outward with all my thoughts. I want to be open, be myself, and not be afraid to embarrass myself. To be honest, I don’t follow what I believe in sometimes. I’m afraid of hurting friends from my version of the truth. I’m afraid of sharing feelings that I should not be having or of thoughts that should not be thinking of. Yes, I’m a hypocrite or what I describe to be a normal complex human being. But I fall back to my beliefs, in hopes that they will guide me. I believe it’s better to explode and affect others instead of to implode with bottled up feelings and be forgotten by the world entirely. I believe in the might of the explosion, unafraid of showing its power. I believe as a measly human in all of existence, the need to overcome restraints and explode without fear.
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