My Life of Not Knowing Who I Am

Catherine - Rapid City, South Dakota
Entered on May 3, 2009
Age Group: Under 18

Everyone has a driving point in their life; whether it’s to run hard in track, get straight A’s, or obey their parents 24/7. I believe that life is not trying to compare myself to others or try to be like them, but be the best Catherine I can be. This isn’t always an easy thing to do, because we compare ourselves to others everyday; but there was a point in my life that I knew that if I kept comparing myself to my friends, I would be very disappointed later on in my life.

I’ve always had problems with comparing myself with other people. I complained to my parents that we didn’t have as much money as some of my friends and what we could do with it if we had more. I felt bad and my conscience was screaming at me, but I kept at it. I was also never allowed to wear makeup like a movie star could, which bugged me. My friends all wore makeup and I was always jealous. I think I was more jealous of them because they always seemed to get what they wanted-not just because they wore makeup, or had the coolest clothes or could even see R rated movies. I was just jealous because they were who I wanted to be.

Then, it was all I started doing- I just compared myself to others.. Soon it didn’t matter if I thought those shorts were cute, it mattered what my friends thought. I didn’t care if I hated the way my hair looked if my friends thought it was ok. Even if I knew I wasn’t allowed to watch a certain movie or TV show, I thought about watching it if my friends were. I started to feel like a puppet Pinocchio trying to fit in with his new friends at Pleasure Island. All of a sudden my life wasn’t mine anymore; it was my life the way my friends wanted me to live it.

Not only did I lose my confidence in how I looked or acted, it happened with my achievements too. If I got an A on a math test, my friends would get A+’s. If I was on the high honor role for school, they would be on the very high honor role. I almost looked at my life as a type of competition; one that was between me and my friends. It wore me down acting like this.

I didn’t like who I was anymore, and I was dead tired of acting this way. I never talked to my parents about my problem; I thought that they would never understand. I felt like I could never be myself because I didn’t like who I was, and what I was becoming. Then, I remembered that God loves me; He wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want me to not fulfill what He has to become of me. I changed; I saw the brighter side of life again because I didn’t want to reject God, and what he wants me to become. I knew that if I kept going in the wrong direction, I wouldn’t be able to turn around and come back.

I started to change, because I knew time would wait for me to turn around. After I changed, life became easier. I began not to worry what my friends thought of me, but what I thought of myself. I still have troubles with finding out who I am, but I know that with love and confidence from God, I can be who I really am…Catherine Gibbens.