Addiction for Death

Brittany - Longmont, Colorado
Entered on May 1, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: addiction

I believe without a doubt my addiction is the death of me. Having taken full control leaving me in a rut. Through my optimism I hide that dark side of me, one I let no one see. I should have seen this coming, but being young and naïve I had thought, “It won’t happen to me I’m smarter then that.” I wish that was true, but it’s not and now I’m paying the price. This I believe, is my story.

Freshmen year, who was I? What was my role in society? Did I even have a purpose? That’s how I thought, I had no friends, alone for lunch, people watching or listening to music. I had a 3.0 GPA and was in honors classes, never ditched; perfect high school student, a demon growing inside, a desire to be much more then perfect.

Sophomore year and I meet up with an old addiction. She introduced me to heaven, marijuana, and it was the best damn high I ever had! Was it enough? Hell no! I was well determined to feel like that again and again and I got it! Soon, it drove my life, I missed weeks of classes had a GPA of 1.5 and was in your basic classes, but did I care? No. Though the weed was great the high was becoming less effective and I needed something a little better.

Junior year is here and I’ve been clean for 7 months, but damn do I want my fix. “Hey can you get me a half eight?” Was my leap back into my grave I never filled. Back to missing my classes, back to caring less and less about the people around me and back to being high! It remained this way till summer of 2008, I’m 17 years old and can’t even remember a name, can’t remember anything I learned, but damn my drawing skills are getting better! I’m back in Jersey, clean and still having my withdrawal effects, not even wanting to be around my family! “Get me some weed!”

Senior year, 2009 and I’m barely going to graduate and I want to have a better life, but I am stuck! “Hey girl, there’s a party this weekend. Kandi flip?” Did I take that offer? Yes I did. Now I’m this crazy girl doing ecstasy, smoking weed, crack, and debating on acid! What is wrong with me?! Is life honestly this bad I have to do this? I’m 18 years old now and have 2 weeks of school left and 1 week to get to F’s up. Is this what I pictured when I wanted to be something more 4 years ago? No.

This I believe is my story. So many people have tried to help me, but the only person who can make a change is me. Once I realize that I need to do something is when my life will take a turn for the better. This I believe is the end of me.