I sometimes wonder what it is that I believe. I begin to believe in one thing and then something pulls me to another. I used to believe that love was constant. I thought that once you had it, it was yours forever. I loved with all my heart once. She was beautiful and vibrant. Could light up a room and piss off everyone in it all at once. But that is what I loved about her. No regrets and no second thoughts. I believed in her love and her intentions. But her love and intentions would soon show their true face when she died. When she died I thought I would be able to mourn like everyone else. But I wasn’t allowed. I was her young girl lover and it was not “normal”. I found my turning point of my beliefs in love when I picked up my belongings on the driveway of the house I once lived in with her. The love I held so dear and believed would last forever was not what I had thought. It was there in that driveway that I started to believe that it doesn’t last forever but rather comes and goes. It changes faces, it changes voices and it changes colors. As time went on I would feel as if someone was next to me. But it was just an empty seat. I would hear her voice and I would laugh. Things she told me before still stayed with me. One night in our home, we were laying in bed and out of the silence she told me that there was a lesson to be learned in this. I didn’t know what that lesson was till after she died. It was the lesson of forgiveness and love. She always told me that love was unconditional, constant and not jealous. Nothing was left to me in her will. No money to care for the dog we had gotten, nothing. But after time I realized she gave me something you can write in a will, something intangible….her heart. So when you ask me today what it is I believe, it is that love is constant and forever. I know that she is with me in everything I do…even taking corners in the BMW she helped me buy. She does love me and she will always love me, even in her afterlife, I know she is there.
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