Alone

Jessica - El Mirage, Arizona
Entered on April 27, 2009

THIS I BELIEVE…

I believe it’s difficult to face your fears, the really super scary ones, like no one should have to face a ventriloquist dummy that’s come alive. Or even a doll that’s trying to kill you. Maybe even a huge, out of control dragonfly. Or something like, death. Not necessarily your death you dying but maybe a loved one. These may not be your worst nightmares, but they’re definitely mine.

I haven’t listed all of my fears because they aren’t as scary as these. One I didn’t mention, that’s the biggest one of all, is being alone…or to ever have to feel like I am. Like I don’t belong, like I am not needed…not wanted.

I was born in a really small town in California. I bet no one has heard of it. Porterville, California is a great place to live though. All green, and occasionally pretty quiet, when an ambulance isn’t zooming down your street every hour, or a cop car doesn’t have their sirens on to slow down all the speeding cars. I have two brothers and one sister. I am the second oldest. First is my brother Rafael (16), then me (Jessica (15), obviously. After the two of us are my sister Kimberly (13), and then the baby of my mom’s four kids, Valente (12). They were all so spoiled, from what I can remember. To me, I felt like I hardly got any attention at all. I felt so unwanted. My brothers were spoiled by my grandma (who lived with us at the time) and my sister was spoiled by my mom. I don’t know my dad and I don’t know my dad and I don’t really want to know him. He left when I was a baby…I think?? I don’t really remember much, I was pretty small. It makes me feel like he left because of me, even though I know why he really had to go.

Have you ever felt like that, like no one really wants you? No one cares? You feel used? Or maybe even misguided? Like you don’t belong? If you haven’t, well, you’re lucky. I feel like this almost every day. So I basically have to face my fear everyday. I dread every second of it. When I get to school I can’t wait for the day to be over so I can get home and go to my escape place, my room. It’s not like anyone tried to pay attention to me before. So why should they now that I’m in my room?

I just wait to go outside and spend a “long” 3 whole hours with the best people in the world, my friends. They make me feel like my worst fear is gone, like I don’t even have any fears. They make me feel like no one else does, wanted needed, cared for, loved, they give me attention when I want it. But most of all they make me feel like I’m not alone.