indepentent

Patricia - pawtucket, Rhode Island
Entered on April 27, 2009

“I’m independent because I live alone and I have a job”, many people say. That’s everyone’s definition of independence. I disagree, because the word independent could have several meanings, you could be considered independent if you have a house, car, and a job. But independence to me means having the strength to be out in the “real world” alone and having the ability to break the cycle of your family issues , figure things out as they come to you and the ability of being a free thinker and creating your own path.

I believe in standing alone as one and doing things for yourself, going through life’s situation that will make you that strong person in the long run. I believe that at the end of the day you only have one person by your side and that is yourself.

I do not trust anyone with my deepest secrets or how I truly feel, I feel that most people around me are nothing but a fake disguise, they put on a smile in front of you but behind your back they become that person they promised they would never be. Those that I once have opened up to and let my guards down for, or relied on to help me along has turned around and let me down, because of this I have always kept my guards up. Once I get close to someone and an incident happens I tend to push them away.

As a child growing up I never had a father figure in my life, except for my brother Arthur who talks and teaches me the principals of how men think. My father left my mother when I was five years old for a woman my mother took in because she had no place for herself and her children. Before coming to America I remember asking my father to make me a promise that he would not marry the woman he was with. I believe about two years or so after I came to America, my father came for a visit and married the woman he once promised he would never marry. The day that I received the news I called the house he was staying at and asked him if he had gotten married, he responded with its not true but he would like me to go over for cake since it was his birthday. That same night he sent his godfather of the wedding to pick me up; when his godfather came by he announced to my mother and me that it was not a celebration for my father’s birthday but the celebration of the newly wed couple. My mother did not allow me to attend the celebration and neither did I want to go. I felt betrayed and lied to. That night I realized where I stood in my father’s life and what was more important to him. Since that day my father had been out of my life for ten years and just recently for my eighteenth birthday I started speaking to him again.

I have a mother who I love dearly and who has been in my life but not entirely in it. My mother does not know who or what type of person I am or could be. She thinks she does but has no idea. We do not have a mother daughter bond. Most girls have mothers who they can confine in and tell their secrets, I do not have that with my mother because she does not know or understand me the way I would want her to. The closest to a mother and father figure in my life are my brother Arthur and oldest sister Maria. These are the only two people I know will always have my best interest for whatever and whenever when nobody else does. These two are who I confine in and let my guards down with but at times I feel alone because they also have their own family and self to worry about.

I don’t expect people to feel sorry for me or try to fill the gaps in my life or do things for me, I do it for myself. I believe that nobody is going to hand things to me easily, I have to work hard to get where I want to be, there’s no easy way. It gets harder everyday but this is what makes me want to push myself to do better then my mother and father. I’ve made mistakes, I struggle and fall but I know I am strong enough to get up and go harder. I deserve nothing but the best and I won’t settle for less. In a way I thank my parents for the things we went through because it has made me the person I am today, a strong and independent person, mentally and physically.