Deliberation

Jamie - Planiview, New York
Entered on April 27, 2009
Age Group: Under 18

At year’s end, I will have completed three years of my high school career. I have spent such years as I should- learning, experiencing and I have been graded on such. Upon my vigorous journey through high school, it has been inevitable that I call into question my experiences as it relates to life’s true deliberation.

I am handed numbers seven hours a day, five days a week and I have spent the remaining hours both treacherously seeking truth and completing what is asked of me. I live as I am told, not as I wish and I’ve come to understating that as a sixteen year old, middle class citizen from New York, this has been inevitable. My life, one of the billions was decided at my first breath and although I wish to stop this flow, continue my spiritual outlook on the hypocritical nature of the society who has taught me all that I know, I do not know how. I am defeated, yet by whom? Who is pompous enough to declare numbers as my identity? I have found the answer though it is disheartening, it is earnest truth. It is people, people who have probably at one point or another thought as I have.

I have heard countless members of my community advocating hard work and goals alike. They have told me to dream big yet, they hand me numbers which force me to rid myself of magnificent, implausible goals. I have listened to those far more intellectually advanced than I and I have learned from those who are not. I have waited sixteen years to find meaning and I fear I never will. All that is certain at birth is death and all that is in my control are the moments in-between. However, I find myself waiting for experiences that will show me truth and convey understanding rather than truly living.

Thoreau once said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” I take myself from the flow of society and place myself on an unwarranted pedestal and I have life and I am scared shitless.

And this I am forced to believe.