Blue-Skied Thunderstorms

Alyssa - Sembawang, Singapore
Entered on April 26, 2009
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: atheism, hope

For a while, I thought life was fair. Back then, when I was under three feet tall, none of the big problems in the world existed for me. All I knew was that if I hit someone, I sat a time-out, and if they hit me, they also sat a time-out. But that was a long time ago. The truth is that tragedies do occur, in every shape, size, and color. They’re a part of life. Now that I’m older, gone is the “fairness factor,” and in its place are judgment and sense. I’m not a toddler anymore and the world has shifted drastically from what my vision of fairness was to what it is now. But, I’ve finally learned to find hope in a world that’s unjust.

Throughout my life, I’m the one getting caught, even though others have done worse. I was the one getting in trouble and I thought it would all even out in the end. But it never did; it just started raining harder and harder. Only a year ago, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. She’d never smoked. What had she done to deserve this? That was when I started to doubt God existed, much more than before. Why would He be the one to punish innocent people?

To be honest, I stopped believing in God years ago. Now, I believe in hope. Hope that my grandma will make it through her cancer fight; hope that my winter would end and spring would follow; hope to find that bit of silver lining in every raincloud. At one point during my stretch without hope in anything, I thought that it wasn’t worthwhile to tough out all my undeserved misfortunes. The reality of life hit me hard, but hope got me to see the world as a place to find good in all that’s challenging. Hope taught me to find that break in the thunderstorm—to notice that patch of sky and feel reassured. It wasn’t any one person that helped me; it was simply my growing feeling of hope.

You know those days when the sky—gray and gloomy—rains so hard that it sounds like someone’s filling up the bath, even when you know they’re not? The days when you pretend your alarm rang five minutes early, because you don’t want to get out of bed? The days when you get bad news that makes you want to throw yourself onto the floor and never get up? On those days, I want to forget I had places to go and wait for something good to happen. But it’s those kinds of days that tell me I need to tough out the downpour because, tomorrow, the sky will be the brightest blue, the way it only is after a storm. Those are the days that give you hope to make it through today and look ahead. It may be raining now, but as tempting as it may be to believe, it can’t rain forever.