Deliberation

Jamie - plainview, New York
Entered on April 24, 2009
Age Group: Under 18

At years end, I will have completed three years of my high school career. I have spent such years as I should- learning, experiencing and I have graded on such. Upon my vigorous journey through high school, it has been inevitable that I call into question my experiences as it relates to life’s true deliberation.

I am handed numbers seven hours a day, five days a week and I have spent the remaining hours both treacherously seeking truth and completing what is asked of me. I live as I am told, not as I wish and I’ve come to understand that as a sixteen year old middle class citizen from New York, this has been inevitable. My life, one of billions was decided at my first breath and although I wish to stop this flow, continue my spiritual outlook on the hypocritical nature of society who has told me all I know, I do not know how. I am defeated, yet by whom? Who is pompous enough to declare numbers as my identity? I have found the answer though it is more disheartening, it is earnest truth. It is people, people who have probably at one point or another thought as I have.

I have heard countless members of my community advocating hard work and goals alike. I have listened to those far more intellectually challenged than I and I have learned from those who are not. I have waited sixteen years to find meaning and I fear I never will. All that is certain at birth is death and all that is in my control are the moments in-between. However, I found myself waiting for experiences that will show me truth and convey understanding rather than truly living.

Thoreau once said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” I take myself from the flow of society and place myself on an unwarranted pedestal and I have found life and I am scared shitless.

And this I believe.