Irreversible Regrets

amanda - ashtabula, Ohio
Entered on April 22, 2009
Age Group: 18 - 30
Themes: death, family

I had a warning not once, but twice about the way, I would feel and regrets I would have if I did not say the things I needed to say to my parents before they passed away. I regret not letting my Dad know I had forgiven him for the past. I regret not telling my Mom thank you for becoming a beautiful strong independent woman for the sake of herself, my sister, and myself. I regret not telling them how sorry I was for putting them through hell during my selfish, yet rebellious teenage years. I feel I let my parents pass on with unresolved issues. I have learned that I need to make all amends and peace with loved who are getting ready to pass on before it is too late. Because I could not let my feelings out when I had the chance; I have concluded that now, and until the end of time, I will always have those paths that lead me to live my life with irreversible regrets. This I do Believe.

I lost both of my parents to cancer; before their passing, they decided hospice was going to be the best choice. My sister and I were the caregivers for both parents until the end. Caring for my parents was a lot of work, especially when they became bed bound. I spent, as much time as I could with my parents and when I was alone with them to let them know the things I needed to say; my voice seemed numb and I felt lost. I guess I just did not want to accept the truth. I told my parents I loved them, I sat and held on to their hands, and finally had the courage to tell them it was ok to go. Granted, I told my Mom it was ok to go five minutes before she passed because I did not want to let go.

I live with a tremendous empty feeling and it will never void. My irreversible regrets are a reminder of how cowardly I was; knowing it would be my last chance to say the things I needed to say. My parents brought me into this world and I let them go without letting them hear the things they deserved to hear, only because I did not want to face reality and realize they were going to pass away. I have learned when given the chance; make all amends and peace with loved who are getting ready to pass on before it is too late. I now will live by these words: do not hesitate to open my mind and free my thoughts, making my voice heard, without holding back a single word. At least I will know I will feel a sense of ease knowing I made my peace. I wish I could reroute my path and reverse my regrets, but I cannot and now I live with irreversible regrets, This I do Believe.