A World of Your Own or a Prison?

Patricia - Los Angeles, California
Entered on April 21, 2009

A World of Your Own or a Prison?

There is a girl who wishes she lived in a world of her own. Things can be funny, make no sense, basically a circus. I know how it feels; I am the girl. I’m very much like Alice, form the famous book the Adventures of Alice in Wonderland ,both the movie and the book. I would love to be in my own world where I control everything. The thing is I know the consequences for it. There is a price to pay. As the saying goes, “You cannot live in insanity for too long because it becomes your reality.” To me insanity is an escape from reality. Without that you have no escape. To me it’s a big price to pay. For me I would love to be in my own world. I tried it once and I learned my lesson as well. About three years ago I was hospitalized and diagnosed as depressed. In the hospital I hated it. I didn’t want to stay. I know everyone thought I was crazy. I knew I had a lot to deal with when I got out. So to relax I would just think of things in my head and drift off to another land, like kids do when they are about four or older. I would do the same. I would make everything the way I wanted it. It was fun but I know now it was a mistake. But from the time I was in there it seemed to make me happy I found new coping skills.

I’m out of the hospital and I go back to school, where I’m known as crazy. I was called that nonstop. Instead of what I would used to do I use my new coping skills. I would use them more and more. It was like a drug. I couldn’t live with out it. I need it to get me through the day. I could even feel myself fading into the insanity. But I didn’t know if I was crazy or if everyone else was. I thought I was sane till I broke down again. From there I was hospitalized again two weeks after my release. Again I did the same: escape to my own world full of nonsense. I wondered if I was crazy or if it was everyone else being difficult. I wonder even to this day, just cause the fact I still do it.

I wasn’t. I was just lost lonely scared of reality. So I left it for as long as I could to my own comfort. I always think of the part from the movie or the book Alice in Wonderland:

Alice: But I don’t want to go among mad people.

The Cat: Oh, you can’t help that. We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.

Alice: How do you know I’m mad?

The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn’t have come here.

Alice: And how do you know that you’re mad?

The Cat: To begin with, a dog’s not mad. You grant that?

Alice: I suppose so,

The Cat: Well, then, you see, a dog growls when it’s angry, and wags its tail when it’s pleased. Now I growl when I’m pleased, and wag my tail when I’m angry. Therefore I’m mad.

So I would basically think I just do things in a different way. Something I think is good is bad to other people, or just unacceptable. Yet I didn’t see it that, to me I saw it different, I saw it as I was doing a good think for myself. I would change so much I lost myself. I felt it, I knew it and it scared me. I was lonelier than ever and from there my world unraveled. I left and it killed me because I’m stuck in reality, where I can’t control anything and may not understand why things happen. When I was lonely as usual and this time I had no escape. I learned if you stay in your insanity, it becomes your reality and you can’t control your own thoughts. Feeling nothing, you lose it. Your imaginary world taking over, you become mad. You become a prisoner of your own mind and you fade away. I learned the hard way, but I escaped from myself just in time.