Starring in the face of addiction every single day becomes tiresome and somewhat bland. Believing that you need a substance to rule your existence to make you happy or whole with living seems almost normal when that’s what you’ve been surrounded by for years on end. Thinking about life the way I do sometimes may tug on the crazy strings of my mind. In saying that I have two separate lives that I could be living, both intertwining with addiction. The one that I am living now which is residing with the Guthrie family whom adopted me along with my four other brothers, or with my ” real mother and father ” who were also a addicts not able to care for me. Growing up surrounded by alcohol or drugs wasn’t an issue of what I know but as I got older the family began to grow apart and tides of anger and regret flowed throughout the house hold leaving an unwanted stench that couldn’t be ignored. As I got older I became wiser and also weaker to the way of being “straight edge”, or having a “clean cut” life style being known as the way go through life. I felt that if my mother was an alcoholic and all my brothers were doing there own thing why shouldn’t I explore what seemed oh so appealing to them for so many years. As I continuously drowned myself spending money that I didn’t have killing my dream of having a car and becoming a writer, I began to pick up the known habits of stealing and lying I had begun to not recognize who I was or what I was. ” Loosing yourself” becomes a major factor in my house hold I would say because, I believe that the chosen people in my family who are still struggling with themselves haven’t found out who they really are and what could be accomplished if they just step outside there little fairy tail land and really look into what they are doing to the people around them but mostly what they are doing to themselves. For the way my life has been turning out I believe if I did not live with the family I do now I would still be on the road of ignorance. Although I am still finding out who I am in the world I have all ready learned so much about trust, betrayal and love.
If you enjoyed this essay, please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to This I Believe, Inc.