This I Believe

Dennis - Kechi, Kansas
Entered on April 5, 2009

This I Believe

I believe that one of the funniest things in the whole world is when women

fall down randomly without reason. It has nothing to do with me being a woman

hater nor am I saying that men aren’t funny when they fall. Since I have kids I

can attest to the fact that kids fall and crash constantly and it’s funny every time

but it registers differently in my brain somehow. I think kids are actually expected

to have accidents because that’s what they do. Kids will be kids and, in turn, skin

their knees, bonk their heads, get grass stains and rip their clothes hundreds, if

not thousands of times, before they are released into the wild and not under your

watchful eye anymore. I believe that nothing is quite as funny as the

unsuspecting lady doing her best to be graceful and feminine before she does a

crash ‘n burn on her own for no apparent reason.

My wife is a perfect example. She is always covered in bruises and bumps

from the previous day’s battle of Jeanette vs. Gravity. She will be the first one to

tell you that her middle name isn’t “Grace” and that she has the curse of

clumsiness. I don’t want to come off as a jerk but I probably am. There is no

valiant way to explain that I laugh hysterically when I see women fall down.

That’s like saying to someone “Don’t take this personal, but I hate your guts.”.. I

know it sounds bad but I can’t help it. It’s like laughing in church. The fact that

you know you aren’t supposed to be laughing makes it ten times worse.

Something that isn’t even that funny normally, can turn into a deep well of

giggles and overflowing laughs if you try to bite your cheek and contort your face

so it won’t come out anymore.

Last year I went to every single game my 6 year old daughter had during

her short soccer career at the YMCA and honestly it was hysterical. A

field of ten little girls constantly crashing into one another and just piling up in

the middle of the field. They would form a slow motion train wreck of 5 year olds

all more concerned about uniform appearance and if their pony-tails still look

good instead of the ball rolling out of bounds. I just crack up picturing the

madness every time I think about it.

Everyone in some form or fashion can get a good laugh from physical

comedy. That’s why shows like Funniest Home Videos are so popular. I think the

best clips are the one’s that have adults at a wedding or on a dance floor.

Grown people just should not crash as often as kids do. Ladies also have that

little extra added pressure of trying to look graceful and lady-like at all times. I

don’t know why it’s like that but it is. Then they up the ante by wearing heels

or a dress and trying they’re best to feel natural in all the garb that ladies worry

themselves about 24/7. Like shaking a pop can and just waiting for the top to

explode, it’s only a matter of time before some kind of “heels over head” is going

to happen.

The absolute funniest proof I have ever seen, was about 8 years ago when

I worked In a building on the corner of Rock Road and Central. This is one of the

busiest intersections in the city and we had to walk across it everyday to go to

lunch. I always thought to myself while I’m making my way in front of 100 people

waiting at the light in all directions for me to move: “That would be brutal to

step on a shoelace and go down right here!” Everyone has those falls or accidents

that they can remember happened at the perfect wrong time or was extra

embarrassing. It’s tough to top this one girl at work on that fateful day.

We were a group of twenty strong all walking across the crowded

intersection. There must have been 150 people in all, watching and waiting for us

to get across the street. A separation in the group was made on the way to the

other side by a, (how shall I say kindly), full-figured and robust Mexican-

American woman. She is carrying a giant handbag packed with the daily

essentials comprised of a hairbrush, perfume, makeup compacts, lip sticks, eye

liners, eye shadows, blush and about ten others I don’t even know the functions

of. She also carries, without fail, her purse that’s almost as big as the other

check-in luggage she drags everywhere she goes. At 5 foot tall, with 2 inch heels,

she is one of those extremely fancy, high-maintenance overachievers that has 3

things going at all times. Excellent worker and extremely organized but carries

the burden of ten pounds of supplies to keep up the maintenance of her face

makeup and the Shaka Kahn hairdo she sports.

This time on the way across the street she was on the phone with a bag

on each arm when she flat-out just kicked the back of her other high heel. In an

instant she’s off and running trying to jog off the inevitable close encounter with

the yellow sidewalk stripes. In front of everyone, she starts flailing her arms to

regain balance while running forward at a 45 degree angle in an attempt to run

fast enough that her legs will catch up to her body. She looked like one does

when you run down a steep hill and your legs are swinging beside you like a

cartoon character while you try your best to fight off gravity for ten more feet

before you bite dirt. After her well-earned ten more feet of crosswalk ran out, she

crashed and burned dead in the middle of the street. The way she fell was just as

hysterical. Feet first, then knees, then hips, then stomach, then shoulders.

Almost like she’s doing “The Worm” in the middle of the crosswalk. By the time

her chin scraped, those guilty high heels were trying to make their way over her

head but to her advantage of being so short, thick and highly inflexible, they slow

their progress when they reach over her back and finally come back down to the

street. I never laughed or cried so hard in my life!

I believe that when women fall down it is one of the funniest things that can

ever happen. After seeing that one I think I can rest my case.