Beauty of the past….

Chassity - Reading, Pennsylvania
Entered on April 3, 2009

Chassity Merkel


Dr. J. Morgan

March 30, 2009

My Personal Credo

To present my autobiography, would be an open invitation to accusations of disbelief, horror, and the possibility of being shunned by others. This life, up to this point, has been one heck of a ride. Discovery came very young that I would never fit in with the “norm”. I thought differently, dressed differently, and acted differently than everyone I knew. My teachers even would try to talk to my parents about my “oddness”. My mom tried to teach me to embrace my strangeness and creative side. She tried to encourage me to be different, but I just wanted to feel and be “normal”. I tried everything to take these feelings away. I decided I didn’t want to exist. I tried suicide multiple times, but with no luck. I hated everything about myself, my face, body and soul, and mind. Finally, at age thirteen, I met the devil, fell in love, and married him. I finally could fit in, feel accepted and normal. He made me feel heavenly… My family tried really hard to take him from me. Why couldn’t any one see that he loved me? They said he was destroying me mentally and physically. They didn’t understand that I was only shaking and puking because I had a virus, or it was just because I hadn’t eaten. I was sent away, taken to doctors for medicine and finally was given an ultimatum; The family or the devil, but nobody realized the hold he had on me…I physically couldn’t live without him anymore. He made able to function. I needed nothing but him pulsating through my body..I didn’t even need food. After one really bad night, that I didn’t think I would survive, I decided to ask for a separation….just a small break…I knew I was starting to spiral downwards, FAST. I put myself into treatment, numerous times….. That would always last for 28 grueling days. I was ready, or so I thought, to ask for a divorce..Each time I would stay away for about two weeks. I would let him creep right back into my soul, taking me places I never thought I would go… I became a liar, a thief, a manipulator. I lost children, my home, even my health…He did not love me anymore, not like he used to. I wasn’t any fun…He found other people to shack up with. I became confused..I had given him everything he wanted but yet I back to being miserable…He quit answering my calls late at night when I need the pain to go away, and when I threatened that I wanted out, he refused to let go…Dying was going to be the only answer….And then . ….he wouldn’t even let me do this….I would scream, “Why, you have taken everything, I have nothing left, and now you won’t even let me leave this earth?” He couldn’t even stand to be around me anymore…I had lost a grip on reality I stared death in the face numerously, only to win every time.. On my last venture with him I had an epiphany….I don’t want to die…I have a path to follow and it doesn’t have to lead me to the fiery pits of hell…I have a purpose, that’s why I always survived…I have struggled with the devil for years and continue to do it every second of every day…There’s not a day that goes by that I am not taunted, and those thoughts of self hatred don’t creep into my mind…I now am finding the strength to push it aside..Only truth can free me, and the truth is….I AM AN ADDICT….I have the scars inside and out to prove it….I am now on a different journey that doesn’t involve drugs or alcohol..I used to be embarrassed by this fact, now I am learning to embrace it..Learn from it and help others…If someone would offer to take my pains and scars away forever..I would reply with a NO THANK YOU! My pains are my pains…my scars are my scars…They are beautiful….Just like me…This is my story and everything that goes with it ,whether good or bad make me the person I am today.

My Personal Credo is:

Self acceptance, Love my creative side,

Tell my story, in hopes to help others,

Try to love myself everyday,

Make my wrongs right,

Thank my creator,

Enjoy my strangeness, and the beauty that is ME…