Father

Quinnon - Pearland, Texas
Entered on March 20, 2009
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: family

I believe a dad is the most important man in life. He loves you and provides guidance; he is the wall with which you can lean on.

My father was different; he has always remained a mysterious figure in my family society. Even though he lives with us and is gladly married to my mother, he exists as if there is an impenetrable mist around him. He works long 12 hour shifts because he is the only working person in the house; he provides for us, he is the family’s breadwinner. Although he provides for me, I do not feel as if I know how to fully describe my feelings for him. When he is home, we rarely exchange glances, greetings are rare, and conversations are even more uncommon. We don’t talk, we don’t exchange ideas, we don’t communicate. In the few times that he did manage to talk to me, it was about never anything important, it was almost always something along the lines of “Turn the lights off” or “Bring the remote here”. His tone was almost always in exasperation as if he did not want to say anything to me at all. As if he was in too much of a hurry. As if he wanted to be elsewhere. As if he didn’t want to love me.

This attitude is not one of intention, for he does not act like that because he dislikes me. My father is just the type of person who does not show love. My ears have never been treated to the words “I’m proud of you” or “I love you”. I remember when I used to wonder “Why is it that daddy doesn’t love me? Is it because I am bad? Is it because I am a burden? Is it because I don’t deserve his attention? Did I destroy his hopes? Maybe he had wished for a girl before my little brother and I were born.” These thoughts constantly stormed in my head growing up, it was a downpour of questions, asking myself how come I received no love. I never could understand his ways until one day when I realized I was thinking too deeply.

A parent’s love isn’t always of uniform kind. After a visit to my grandparents’ house, I witnessed a carbon copy of my father’s attitude. His parents acted towards him like the way he did to me. Finally I understood that he was just unable to show how he felt towards his children because he was never exposed to parental affection growing up. I had discovered that my dad just never could show his love. However, it doesn’t really matter as I can understand it now.

To this day my father’s attitude towards me still has not changed. We still frequently ignore each other, sometimes not even saying anything for a week or more. Maybe this may seem saddening but I know that I am luckier than most to have a dad. And even though he doesn’t show love, it is there. Someday I plan to ask him why he acts this way, but I think I already know the answer. However, when I asked him about my birth, he did tell me that he had “wished for a daughter”. He never got one.