I Believe in Me

tracey - aberdeen, North Carolina
Entered on March 8, 2009
Age Group: 30 - 50
Themes: addiction, change

I believe in me.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I was not a happy child. I believed my mother when she told me I was the cause of her unhappiness. I was very small when she told me this. I spent my childhood believing I was responsible for anything that went wrong. I know now that she was wrong and did not realized she was doing. Blaming others for her own misery is how she coped.

I was afraid of everything and everybody. I believed that something must be very wrong with me I just didn’t know what. I practiced being invisible hoping that nobody would notice me and realize that I did not belong here. I felt I was taking up space that I was not worthy of. When I heard of reincarnation I thought that was the answer. That I must have been an evil person in a past life and that my life now was my punishment. It sounds silly but that was how I felt.

I got high for the first time when I was twelve. By this time I had realized that my mother was wrong but that did not change the way I felt inside. I hurt and I was angry. That first high made all the pain, fear and anger disappear. I had found the solution to my problems. Even though the relief was only temporary it was still relief. I was addicted from that first day. By the time I was thirteen not a day went by without me getting high one way or another.

I wasted thirty years of my life believing that it was my destiny. When I was high I use to say someone has to live in the gutter, it might as well be me. This is not true.

The second time I was sent to prison they sent me to a rehabilitation center. I did not want to go. I was forty-two years old and thought it was a waste of time. I had been to 28 day programs before and they had not worked for me. This one was for nine months and different. It took a lot of help from a lot of people, including fellow inmates, to finally convince me that I was worthy and had the power to help myself. I had to work through a lot of mental problems and that was painful. I could not have done it without help. Without help I could not have walked all the way through the pain to come out the other side a person that had room on the inside now to fill with good things. They showed me how I could change my future and I have.

It’s been over five years and I’ve worked very hard because I now know that I am worth it. I cannot change my past but I can change my future and this I believe.