I stood idely by and watched as the beautiful, potificating cocoon i had built around myself leading up to my freshman year came crashing in. I felt each single peice of my life fall upon me and peirce the skin. I thought this was the end, there was no turning back. I had never fully grsped the concept of depression. I had always believed that depression was a disease and i was immune. This all became a distant memory to me in the first 10 months of my high school years. I lost what seemed like every friend i had, i was in an unhealthy relationship and it only further brought me down. Life at home became hard and it felt as if my relationship with the people who mattered most was rotting from the inside out. I had fallen so deep that i no longer felt pain, i had become comepletly desensitized and was now the epitamy of what seemed like a living zombie.I now passionalty realize that the only thing that kept me from ending it all and bringing me from this desensitized funk was the grace of the lord. This i believe.
As the months roled on I scratched at the surface of a normal life and and any day that i didn’t break down emotionally was a good day. The autumn months were a constant demise and and throughout the winter i no longer believed in anything. The spring showed some light and my mood’s lightened slightly however the pain i felt inside seemed as if it would follow me for the rest of my life. I developed the ability to put on a face, to pretend that everything was ok. This face followed me throughtout the summer. I constantly promised myslef that my sophmore year would be different. Unfortunatly, all i had to make this change was building another faulty base, similar to that of my freshman year, and simply hoping i could on it and make it so strong nothing could topple it. This base was so faulty that the slightest thing could send my life topling back over into a swirling demise. My base has been constantly fired upon with verbal abuse. It has swayed and it has threatened a tragedy. This tragedy never occured bcause of one single slight change.
Recently I have realized the power of the lord. I always thought that the only way i would ever except my faith would be a miracle happening to me. I never realized that gift the lord had given to me by empowering me to make it through the times i never thought i would, was the miracle and it just took come finding. I now am a child in the presence of the lord, i’m still not perfect, i still slip up i still say cruel and hurtful things to the people i love most, and when i get angry enough i still head but a wall now and than, and i still uestion wether i am strong enough to go to church every sunday or talk about my faith openly, but i know now that falling isn’t as scary when you have someone to catch you. For me, the lord is present in a friend that has lost her father, a father who goes out of his way to take his son to college football games across the country. For me the lord is present in a coach not boasting about my ability to catch the football, but my ability to become a stronger person, he is in a girlfriend trusting me to the ends of the earth, and he is in every simple hello i get in the hallway when I am having a bad day. The lord is with me now, giving this speech and lifing me up, giving me the courage to express my faith openly for the first time, and he is there to catch me, in the face of all the people who care, the lord is with me always i just had some trouble finding him. This, i believe.
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