There is a time and a place to have emotions within a family. It has been a little over a month since I had to visit my grandmother in the hospital. While normally I am unchanged by situations like these, this time I found myself feeling quite emotional. As a child, I knew feelings of sympathy and sadness, but I had never experienced them myself. The thought of having attachments to those in my family was something I really didn’t care too much about. During my childhood, instead of going to weddings as many children do, instead I ventured down a path of funerals.
Starting with the eldest members in my heritage, I used to cry my eyes out, at the thought of having lost them. Although I didn’t show it physically, on the inside it hurt me to know that there was one less person in my life, making my family smaller than what is already was. The effects of each passing not only had an effect on my well being due to my loss of happiness. Pain seen in the eyes and hearts of my parents, aunt’s, and uncle’s was truly something to see. Every funeral seem to have the same, repetitious routine. The family is gathered together, eulogies are given, tears are shed, and another soul is lost from the world.
There came a point where tears could no longer flow from my eyes. I became somewhat hardened. In a time where I was suppose to be sad my eyes remained dry while my heart stayed open. No longer was I one of the people who made a scene at the expense of another person’s loss. Over the next few years I took part in the events by sitting idly by as others stated there reasons as to why they cared so much for that loved one. Sitting there listening to all who chose to spoke, I thought to myself, “Why do people in my family have to keep dying?” It wasn’t as if it were just some random, unknown distant cousin whom I’ve never met. These were close aunts, uncles, and grandfathers that I was very close to. I even recall playing baseball and learning a few life lessons with an old uncle of mine. Just the thought those memories starts the water works.
I choose to hide my emotions in front of my family not to seem like a man, but to make sure I’m there to support others. Should the time come where another family member passes, I will do my best to put a smile on my face and ensure my relative that everything will be ok, no matter what happens.
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