Deadly Beauty

Karson - Sugar Land, Texas
Entered on February 27, 2009
Age Group: Under 18
Themes: setbacks

2-3% of all Americans develop some sort of eating disorder in their lifetime, which is sad but true. Of all these disorders there are two main types, Anorexia and Bulimia. Anorexia is a disease in which you purposely starve yourself to prevent weight gain. Bulimia is one of the main types of eating disorders in which you still eat meals daily but you force yourself to throw up afterwards. I just happened to be one of the few unlucky ones who got both.

I, twelve years old, always felt fat compared to the people I hung around because I was a size six unlike my friends who seemed a lot skinnier then that. I was a healthy child but I wanted something more then a size six, I wanted to be just as skinny as all my best friends. I’d start hearing of people, both friends and total strangers, calling me fat behind my back. I tried to ignore them but as the days went on I started to hear it more and more frequently which made me think I just had to do something to change people’s thoughts. I started eating less, or I tried, eating just a spoonful of peanut butter and a bag of chips or crackers daily. It worked for a few days, but everyday I grew more and more hungry. When the hunger pains grew way too large I stopped and returned to my regular eating plan. I tried to just keep my head high and feel attractive even though nobody really said that about me. Yet still, day by day, looking in the mirror all I would see were my flaws- acne, fat, freckles, everything that I wanted eliminated from my body. So I tried my other “solution” to getting rid of it all, I became Bulimic.

I still stuck to my normal, everyday eating patterns so it would seem as if absolutely nothing was wrong. I’d go to lunch with friends, eat dinner with my family, and eat snacks in between. Yet still, after every meal, or anytime I ate a lot, I’d walk into the bath room and force myself to throw up everything. For the first time in life, I felt like I was controlling something. I know you can’t control who your family is or how popular you are but you can control your weight.

These patterns continued once again, until I ate almost nothing everyday. And when I did, I could just run into the bath room and get rid of the calories. Whenever someone would ask me, I’d eat just a little and say, “Oh yes, I’m fine. I just ate a big breakfast that’s all.” I felt like I looked gorgeous, my jeans were looser, and I’d lost almost three inches off my waist! Finally, I had people complimenting me, saying that I was pretty. Yet on the inside, I knew something was wrong with me. I kept lying to my friends and family and I was hiding almost everything.

Luckily, I stopped my disorder on my own. I was tired of covering up all the truth in my life and lying to my friends, family, to myself, and I really didn’t like it. I realized I was acting extremely brainless and hurting my body. I believe that everyone has flaws but that’s not what matters in anyone. I believe that people are beautiful on the inside even if they don’t feel attractive. I believe that eating disorders are slow forms of suicide and I believe in inner beauty.