Broken Soul

Danielle - Houston, Texas
Entered on February 26, 2009
Age Group: Under 18

If you smile long enough you’ll become happy .This in fact is so not true I know from personal experience. I tried to fool every one that I was “Completely fine” l didn’t realize how destructive I had become not only to myself but to my family. I was blinded by a hurricane of self hatred, and waves of self pity. It seems never ending. I constantly reminded myself of how I had lost my parents trust.

I was their first born, so it’s obvious they would more discipline on me, but really to send me to the smallest school on the planet just because I guy called my house! The worst part about it was when they sat me down looked me in the eyes and sad “we just don’t know if we can believe your words anymore.” I began to blame myself for the whole incident. It got to the point where there was so much tension within the house that there were unsettling arguments every day. I couldn’t stand to be in that house.

I attempted to reach out to the one person who I knew would be there for me, or so I thought. I eventually managed to get a hold of him again only to my surprise he had already move on and had forgotten all about me. There wasn’t even a good bye he just moved on. He left me there wading in the water. All alone. My world was already disastrous and now this!

This is what really sent me into a deep depression. I felt disgraceful at home and now abandoned by my once best friend. I had come to the conclusion that I was the one to blame. I was the source for all of my problems. I convinced myself I was unwanted and shameful. I begin to muffle my words and turn my raging thoughts inward. Which I now say defiantly was not the healthiest decision. I turned to self harm. I cut almost every day I knew I was miserable but I did it anyway, I tried to force myself to believe the vicious thought in my head. That I was fine. That all of this didn’t happen. That this was nothing more than a horrible dream, one from which I had to wake up fast! Soon I realized how I fooled myself. I was trapped in an endless cycle. This feeling was so overwhelming I wanted to break free and regain control. Since I wasn’t very social I knew I had to find some outlet. So I turned to writing. I found that’s all I needed. Now I’m doing something that is not harmful. It is something I look forward to. It is something I enjoy. It is something that makes me truly happy.